Mayor of New York and America’s Rich Uncle Skeleton Michael Bloomberg has already slapped the big soda and Chinese takeout container out of your hand, told you to turn your goldurn rackety music down, and said to knock it off with all the tweeting, but now you’re really trying his patience with these damnable movie previews. “I sat through an hour of trailers, and every one was stupider than the other,” Bloomberg recently complained to a reporter from M magazine, after exiting what The New York Times notes is quite possibly one of only 10 films the “easily bored” Bloomberg has seen in his lifetime. That lucky film was a screening of Les Misérables, which had left Bloomberg newly sensitized to the plight of human suffering—specifically, billionaire human Michael Bloomberg, who was forced to suffer through some commercials. Some of them were even for video games! For adults!

“And then there were these ads for video games—for adults!” Bloomberg said in an actual interview quote, and not a mock-Andy Rooney impression for friends. “And you want to know why we’re dumbing down politics,” he concluded of this obvious explanation for why politics obviously have to be reduced to partisan bickering and petty social reforms, because video games. Also, because “I don’t see any difference between a newspaper on the Internet and a blog. It confuses everything and takes away the difference.” Also, shoes. They're way too colorful now! What ever happened to a sharp pair of Buster Browns?!


Bloomberg then added, presumably shouting across the street at the reporter who had long since backed slowly away, “People are getting their news from sitcoms and from movies with a political agenda. They’re even getting information from games!” Bloomberg then returned to dictating, totally objectively and without political agenda, his vast media empire, but not before suggesting it was way past time for you to go to bed.