Lock up your children, dear readers. Ensure that your math textbooks are well secured. A threat stalks the streets of America tonight, one that our police have proven themselves powerless to stop. The suspect in question is described as bow-tied, and non-adept at picking up social cues (but in a non-threatening, CBS-y, easily marketable kind of way). That’s right, friends: Young Sheldon is on the loose.
May god have mercy on us all.
You would be forgiven for assuming that Young Sheldon (and the poor soul who hosts his malevolent presence, actor Iain Armitage) might be just as subject to the laws of the land as the rest of us. But not so: Although Armitage recently attended Jane Fonda’s ongoing Fire Drill climate change protests—the hottest spot to be arrested for all the biggest names in Hollywood at the moment—he was apparently, at 11, dubbed “too young” to be arrested for his participation. To his credit, Armitage appears to be irritated at his inability to be tried as an Adult Sheldon in America’s courts; when asked about it at the protest, he seemed genuinely annoyed to have to greet questions about being arrested with an unhappy “Unfortunately not.” (“Please stop me,” he then did not go on to whisper. “Please stop me before I can no longer stop myself.”)
Fonda talked about Armitage’s participation in the most recent Fire Drill with Buzzfeed today, lightly glossing over what other criminal activities he might now also be exempt from punishment for. “He was so mad that he was too young to get arrested,” Fonda noted, while also trying to highlight the fact that, despite the celebrity gloss, her activism—focused as it is on increasing pressure on lawmakers to put attention and energy on climate change—is not merely for fun, or even for flouting the God Child’s immunity to our nation’s pitiful laws. Armitage gave a “great speech” at the event, she also added, and was kind enough to refrain from any language about how the incipient Blood Tithes should be delivered into his wide and endlessly gaping maw before the time of the Grim Bazinga finally arrives.