Displaying the courage that has characterized its entire iPhone 7 launch, Apple had the temerity and the tenacity to admit today that its new AirPods earbuds are not quite ready, delaying their release to a boldly indeterminate time in our brave future. The announcement was made just prior to today’s MacBook event, where the AirPods were expected to get an official rollout date alongside the reveal of the new MacBook Pro and its lionhearted banishing of USB ports and the escape key, the tools of cowards.
“The early response to AirPods has been incredible,” said an Apple spokesperson, accurately summarizing the general reaction of people who couldn’t fucking believe they were being asked to pay $160 for a pair of dangling Oral-B toothbrush heads they’ll have to make sure and charge every five hours if they want to listen to music on their phone.
Of course, the iPhone 7 already ships with headphones you can plug into the Lightning port when you’re not using it to charge said phone, as well as an adapter dongle you can also carry around, all while studiously avoiding the word “dongle.” But the AirPods were most eagerly anticipated by users who were excited to embrace Apple’s next, expensive phase of wireless technological burdens, as well as by rats looking for new ways to spruce up their nests.
Unfortunately, it seems it’ll be a little while before these plucky, game-changing doodads are spotted sticking comically out of people’s ears or lying, lost and lonely, atop a sewer grate. “We don’t believe in shipping a product before it’s ready, and we need a little more time before AirPods are ready for our customers,” Apple’s spokesperson said, presumably a valiant effort to conceal the fact that they’ve already misplaced the damn things.