Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

You can practically smell the desperation wafting off this app ad starring "little stinker" Lindsay Lohan

Illustration for article titled You can practically smell the desperation wafting off this app ad starring little stinker Lindsay Lohan
Photo: James Devaney (Getty Images)

Earlier this week, former movie star and enduring cultural curiosity Lindsay Lohan started popping up in a TikTok ad to smile directly into the hapless viewer’s soul and read a monologue. “O Famera president, it’s me Lohan,” she says in the video, captured and shared on Twitter by @kylie_gender. “I call upon thy name to ask for forgiveness for being a dirty little stinker.” A new wave drone and a fart sound effect accompanies her laugh. “The fragrance of salvation is in the air. May the eye wink upon you,” she says before the video fades out to show a black screen printed with, “O holy president, savior of all that’s chill, may you shrink our stink, absolve us of our smells.”

A symbol showing a wide-open eye appears next to the caption, “Church Of Famera.” The ad ends.

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Rolling Stone followed the stink lines emanating from this bizarre commercial, landing upon a disappointingly mundane source: A new conference call app branding itself on its “weirdness.” The commercial, which plays like a cult induction video, was commissioned via Cameo—a place where faded stars like Lohan say all kinds of shit for money—in order to generate interest in Famera, the app mentioned above.

There’s a certain level of uncomfortable desperation inherent to most Cameo videos, and Lohan’s half-hearted recitation of the self-consciously “random” script ranks high in the examples of the saddest we’ve seen to date. Famera’s branding, which promises a conference call experience that’s “like Disneyland ... but psychedelic” and includes “quirky” touches like a mandatory “vibe check” as part of the sign-up process, only heightens the effect.

Rolling Stone asked the company for more information about Lohan’s ad and received a statement that explains, in a continuation of its painfully reaching psychedelic house style, that “The Eye” refers to the “Famera President’s face” and that the winks Lohan references “are blessings.”

“Do you remember the movie Parent Trap? Lohan used to have a twin. Where is Twinsey Lohan now?” the statement continues. “Lindsay Lohan could not bear to share the limelight with her twin, and desired to be the Only Lohan, so she ate her. That in turn gave her gas, which then she [sic] farted out, making a big stink. For this she had to repent to the one true god, Famera President.”

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Compared to abducting homeless people and workshopping new English dialects on camera, filming a Cameo for the brand quoted above isn’t necessarily the dumbest shit Lohan’s gotten involved in over recent years, but it sure is close to the top.

Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com

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Contributor, The A.V. Club. Reid's a writer and editor who has appeared at GQ, Playboy, and Paste. He also co-created and writes for videogame sites Bullet Points Monthly and Digital Love Child.

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