Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Illustration for article titled You can now buy a mansion that includes a little subterranean goblin town in its basement
Photo: Spencer Arnold/Central Press (Getty Images)

Despite the times we live in, there’s apparently no shortage of homes on the market that cater to the most specific of tastes. Last week, it was a normal-looking house that hid a tropical beach and spaceship inside its walls. Now, we’re here to share a big old mansion that sits atop a model village we can only assume was previously home to a micro-society of goblins.


This curious place was shared by @victoriaxxviii, who tweeted out a glimpse of the newly-vacated streets of Goblinville, USA running beneath the Potomac, Maryland home. Upstairs, the place is a sprawling WASP nest where gaudy rooms are decorated with monogrammed towels, old rifles, and vases aplenty. Head down, though, and we arrive in a miniaturized town designed to capture a Normal Rockwell-style slice of 1950s Americana. Vintage cars sit parked outside shop windows; little rooms open up to reveal pool tables, bathrooms, and, most disconcertingly, a space filled with Disney statues and dollhouses.


Obviously the top floors of the house are meant to serve as overcompensation—an extravagant cover for the fully functioning town populated by stunted humanoids hidden from plain sight. Though they’re not visible in any of the photos, likely having already scurried into the rafters to wait until the real estate agent taking pictures has left, we can only imagine that the tiny cryptids who live beneath the house are part of a bizarre socialization program now interrupted by the home’s sale. The only explanation for the wild decision to build such a strange kind of super-Protestant Potemkin village beneath this home is that the previous owners discovered a collection of goblins living within the rocky foundation and set about trying to teach them how to integrate into their vision of American life.

We can only hope that whoever buys this house understands that they’re purchasing more than a building. They will take ownership not just of a gaudy mansion, but of the grand project to introduce a society of mischievous creatures from the fae realms to the surface world.

Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com

Contributor, The A.V. Club. Reid's a writer and editor who has appeared at GQ, Playboy, and Paste. He also co-created and writes for videogame sites Bullet Points Monthly and Digital Love Child.

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