Not a long time ago, in a galaxy you’re already in, some absurdly wealthy venture capitalist was likely watching his stolen copy of the still-unreleased 4K resolution original Star Wars trilogy, and suddenly realized he was late for his weekly outing to throw rocks at poor people. Stealing his attention away from a lightsaber duel to glance at his diamond-encrusted Rolex, he sighed. “This timepiece is so un-Star Wars-y,” he said, employing the clever linguistic wordplay that he felt signaled his John Galt-like superiority to the lower tier of 1 percenters. “If only there were a way I could still be enjoying Star Wars every time I looked at my watch, but could simultaneously be reassured that I’m wealthy enough to be able to wipe my ass with Fabergé eggs if I so choose.”
Suddenly, he felt a great disturbance in the force of his mind, as if millions of brain cells suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced by much stupider brain cells. A germ of an idea was beginning to take shape and roll around in his Soylent-soaked brain, like a BB in a tin can. He placed a quick phone call to his equally wealthy friends—and suddenly the evil Empire’s presence on Earth became slightly more noticeable.
Such is the presumable origin story of the Star Wars Watch and TIE Fighter cufflinks, a new product officially licensed by Lucasfilm and brought to you by the good people at Devonworks. For those of you who don’t immediately recognize this valuable addition to society’s list of companies dedicated to keeping the rich and powerful from ever having to feel any affinity with the majority of humankind again, the video announcing the launch of this item describes it as a “design and advance engineering lab… dedicated to creating innovative and revolutionary products that bend reality.” And what says “we’re bending reality” more than building something that has literally existed for half a millennia?
Devonworks founder Scott Devon proudly claims the watch was developed in collaboration with ”the U.S. aerospace industry,” which is a bit like proudly claiming your mom’s lasagna was designed in collaboration with the U.S. noodle industry, but whatever. The watch features four micro-step motors, powered by a “hybrid electro-mechanical power source” (or “fancy battery,” as it’s probably less commonly known) that apparently tells the most precise time you could ever want, or need, or justify having access to. It’s made of super-strong stuff, too, the same nylon material used in the gauges of original 747 aircraft. These babies are patented, so don’t even think about making an easily reproduced knockoff version.
Devon also informs us that the watches “can be purchased exclusively in high-end watch retailers in the U.S… and on Amazon.com.” Way to bury the lede there, Scott. It’s not everyday you can enjoy the exclusivity of purchasing watches on a site that also sells used shovels. Speaking of exclusive, only 500 of the watches are being made, which may be how the company is justifying charging $28,500 a pop. Oh, right—there’s also the TIE Fighter cufflinks, about which Scott is curiously silent. Let’s just go ahead and assume those are made of crushed puppies and the corpse of progressive taxation. Watch the video below, and decide for yourself just how much of your child’s college fund seems worth blowing on such an important accoutrement. Appropriately, he says the primary design influence from Star Wars was Darth Vader, given that powerful assholes seem to be the target market.