Ensuring that no special moment in the modern life need pass without the looming threat of diarrhea, or the sullen face of angry teenagers paid minimum wage to blast salty meat slurry from a spigot, Taco Bell has announced that it’s opening its own wedding chapel at its Taco Bell Cantina location in Las Vegas. (Not for nothing, but “A wedding chapel in a Taco Bell in Vegas” sounds like the instant win condition for a bingo card of places where bad life decisions are made.)
And while the Cantina chapel will start offering a regular $600 wedding package later this year—including an optional “Sauce Packet bouquet” for the bride to hurl away from her body at maximum possible force—Taco Bell is offering one lucky couple a chance to get the TB wedding treatment for free. All you have to do is take a picture or video informing the company of how Taco Bell has made an impact on your love story, and you could win airfare to Vegas, a free ceremony broadcast to the world (including TB-branded shirts, garters and bow tie), a private pool cabana at the Planet Hollywood pool, and the rock-solid certainty that you’ve peaked in the pursuit of a very narrow definition of success.
Years from now, you’ll cuddle up with your grandkids in our perfect Taco Bell-brand utopia, looking through your wedding photos while nestled in a loveseat made entirely from deep-fried chicken breasts. Hands thick with “cheese-style” sauce, they’ll paw at the photographs, nostalgic questions at the ready. “Grandmama, why are there orange smears on all the pictures?” they’ll ask, lips stained with the Mountain Dew Baja Blast that now pours freely from our nation’s taps. “That’s the dust from the Doritos tacos,” you’ll sigh wistfully, tousling little Chalupa Crunchwrap’s chicken grease-stained hair. “Your granddad and I were Loco for them back then. We all were.” Ah, a beautiful dream.