Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Illustration for article titled Why are Triscuits called Triscuits? One writers investigation uncovers the shocking truth
Photo: Mike Coppola (Getty Images)

Most of us have a lot of time on our over-washed hands right now, but if we’re lucky, we’ve also still got a lot of snacks in the pantry to binge on to pass said time. If you’re an enlightened snacker, however, that cabinet is likely stocked with a particular brand of tasty, sodium-packed, wheat-filament crackers known as Triscuits, which we always assumed were named after, like, three different kinds of grain or something. Until this week, that is, when intrepid sleuth and writer Sage Boggs uncovered the truth about Triscuit, and readers, prepare to have your goddamn minds blown.

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“Thank you for your interest in our Triscuit crackers,” Nabisco PR began their response email to Boggs’ information request—which, if we’re being honest, kinda sounds like something a sociopath would say. “No business records survived which specifically explain the origins or inspiration for the name Triscuit. But we do know the name was chosen as a fun derivation of the word ‘biscuit.’ The ‘TRI’ does not mean 3.”

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A “fun derivation of the word ‘biscuit.’” Yeah, no shit, Nabisco. Anyway, as Boggs immediately points out: If no records exist for the name’s origin, then how can anyone be sure the “Tri” doesn’t mean three? THE PLOT THICKENS.

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After some considerable internet deep diving, Boggs stumbled across early Triscuit ads from the 1900s showcasing the new wonder snack. Lo and behold, Natural Food Co.’s (makers of “the Celebrated Wheat Biscuits,” whatever the hell those were) latest offering was made at a factory in Niagara Falls, New York, utilizing hydroelectric power. Therefore...

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Electricity Biscuit...

‘Tricity Biscuit...

Tris-Biscuit...

Triscuit.

We’ll give you some time to process this information. Meet us back here after watching this incredibly ‘70s Triscuit commercial starring Tony Award-winning actress, Betty Buckley.

Honestly, we’re not sure what to do with this information, other than from now on referring to Triscuits by their full Christian name. So please, won’t you pass us another Electricity Biscuit, dear reader?

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Andrew Paul is a contributing writer with work recently featured by NBC Think, GQ, Slate, Rolling Stone, and McSweeney's Internet Tendency. He writes the newsletter, (((Echo Chamber))).

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