Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

White House attempts to fix COVID with $300 million Dennis Quaid infusion

Illustration for article titled White House attempts to fix COVID with $300 million Dennis Quaid infusion
Photo: Gabe Ginsberg (Getty Images)

Not since Innerspace has America been forced so aggressively to reckon with a plan positing Dennis Quaid as the solution to the nation’s medical problems: Politico reports tonight that the The Intruder star and Randy brother is apparently part of a $300 million White House initiative to try to convince us all to stop being so damn sad about the COVID-19 coronavirus—preferably before the election rolls around, please.

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Quaid (along with several other famous folks) was interviewed as part of the Health And Human Services Department’s new initiative to “defeat despair” linked to the pandemic—an initiative that spokesperson Michael Caputo swears has everything to do with keeping up the national morale, and nothing to do with trying to convince people to feel better (via that classic medical technique, the Quaid Infusion) about the government’s handling of the crisis right before it’s time to vote. Oh, and in case you were wondering: Of course the money for all this was taken from the budget of the Centers For Disease Control, so that they could follow the national mandate adopted by so many A Dog’s Purpose fans, and give it to Dennis Quaid instead. (And also, although there’s no confirmation that he’s said yes yet, possibly Garth Brooks.)

The various interviews (which also include a confirmed appearance from singer CeCe Winans) are still being filmed, but Quaid’s apparently includes a sit-down with Dr. Anthony Fauci, because god knows bad news about viral pandemics goes down more smoothly when it’s being received by General Hawk from the first G.I. Joe movie. Also: Because this is the Trump administration, there are plenty of questions raised in the Politico article about the business connections between Caputo (a Trump political appointee) and some of the folks who’ll be getting money for devising the campaign. But to our minds, we just can’t help but be fascinated by the sheer Dennis Quaid of it all—a first-draft idea, if ever there was one, to the question “Who’s vaguely comforting to the average American, and also doesn’t absolutely hate our guts?”

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Anyway, in Quaid we trust.

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