Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

When not fashioning shivs, Lori Loughlin will spend her jail sentence doing Pilates and practicing calligraphy

Illustration for article titled When not fashioning shivs, Lori Loughlin will spend her jail sentence doing Pilates and practicing calligraphy
Photo: Boston Globe (Getty Images)

Hardened criminal Lori Loughlin is about to start doing her time. Having requested where she must serve two whole months locked away from ordinary society, Loughlin is no doubt getting the last bit of work done on a bicep-covering snake tattoo, rolling a pack of Marlboro Reds into her sleeve, and figuring out the most intimidating way to keep a toothpick in the corner of her mouth. That’s right: She’s headed for a Victorville, California minimum security “satellite prison” where the American legal system teaches criminals a lesson they’ll never forget, specifically as it relates to the accordion and origami.

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According to Vanity Fair, Loughlin’s grueling punishment will be held “a roughly two hour drive from her reported $9.5 million Hidden Hills ‘farmhouse’” at a frightening lock-up that “offers a wide array of recreational programs that wouldn’t look totally out of place at a wellness retreat.” Loughlin is probably already starting to pump iron, take bare-knuckle boxing lessons, and practice sharpening toothbrushes into shivs in preparation for surviving prison trials like “yoga, Pilates, painting, calligraphy, crochet, origami, and ceramics” classes. We assume she already understands the importance of beating the shit out of the toughest inmate she sees on the first day of “cartoon drawing” or when asserting herself at “music [lessons] for instruments such as the saxophone, accordion, and ukulele.”

Mossimo Giannulli, her husband and (literal) partner in crime, will be suffering an even worse fate. He’s likely to spend five months at a facility in Lompoc, California where he won’t enjoy “quite the array of recreational activities” that his wife gets and will have to grin and bear such dangerous activities as “music programs, language classes, oil painting, crochet, leatherwork, and ceramics.”

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God help the two wealthy, pampered criminals as they’re forced to navigate the terrors of these institutions. Nothing in their lives to date could have prepared them for the brutality of calligraphy, leatherwork, and cartoon drawing classes.

Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com

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Contributor, The A.V. Club. Reid's a writer and editor who has appeared at GQ, Playboy, and Paste. He also co-created and writes for videogame sites Bullet Points Monthly and Digital Love Child.

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