Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Illustration for article titled Whats inside this 25-year-old can of Spider-Man Chef Boyardee is scarier than any supervillain
Photo: Gareth Cattermole (Getty Images)

People are desperate for entertainment right now. They’re tired of endlessly scrolling through streaming platforms. They’ve given up on the one jigsaw puzzle they own. They’re sick of pretending they like baking. People want excitement. People want a thrilling narrative. People want to see a man open a very old can of Spider-Man pasta and show them what’s inside.

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Thankfully, Matt Carracappas, the man behind the vintage pop culture merch repository Dinosaur Dracula, is here to give the people what they want.

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“I put the can opener to work, unsettled by the rust, but emboldened by the lack of noxious fumes,” Carracappas writes, meticulously detailing his ill-advised adventure into the toxic depths of mid-90s cross-promotional delicacies. As an avid collector of nostalgic oddities, he’s no stranger to the weirdness of pop culture mashups. But getting Chris Sarandon to read a Ninja Turtles coloring book, as he did recently, is presumably far less of a risk to one’s health than opening this can of ooze. Still, he soldiers on.

“They say tragedy plus time equals comedy, but there’s nothing funny about 15 ounces of Spider-Man Pasta reduced to a rotted 3-ounce chunk,” Carracappas writes as readers gaze into the gnarled rock that was once your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man with mini meatballs in tomato sauce.

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It’s about as happy of an ending as you can get considering this could have ended like the opening of the Ark of the Covenant. Plus, if you’re willing to look deep enough, you may even be able to find a metaphor hidden in all this.

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Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com

Contributor, The A.V. Club. Pay me to write for you, you coward.

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