- As with the first season, there is no singularly compelling reason to watch this show, other than it almost seems harder not to. The people involved are reprehensible; you’re only rewarding their inflated sense of self-worth; and the manufactured “drama” amounts to “interchangeable steroid-abuser upsets interchangeable spray tan-abuser by getting drunk and flirting with a different spray tan-abuser, with intermittent fistfight.” You can argue that you’re enjoying it as camp, as kitsch, as cautionary example, that you’re drawn to it the same way the tongue is drawn repeatedly to a cold sore, or that it’s just your way of keeping up with pop culture’s seedy underbelly as a detached, clinical observer. But by the time you’ve made your faux-philosophical excuses, you’ve watched a whole episode. And come on: You’ve clicked the article and gotten this far—let’s not put on any airs here.

- Those who wondered, “How did last year’s Snowmageddon affect the cast members of Jersey Shore?” will get their answer: They were “miserable.” Fortunately, they have their own reality show. Off to Miami, bitch!

- Much like starting a new semester of school after a long summer apart, reuniting after a prolonged separation—even one alleviated by appearing on every known medium together in a never-ending publicity tour—can be awkward. Fortunately, they have their own reality show. Unlimited alcohol, bitch!

- Roommates turned lovers turned ex-lovers turned roommates again, Sammi and Ronnie still have issues to work out, particularly given Ronnie’s propensity for getting drunk and calling Sammi his girlfriend, then leaving her to rot while he goes to clubs and makes out with two girls at once. This continues to be hilarious, as Sammi is quite possibly the worst human being on the planet and deserves every humiliation she has coming to her. And this season she gets hit right in the face! By JWOWW!

- Angelina—who made the biggest mistake of her life last season by abandoning the house in the second episode, and with it the zeitgeist—somehow convinced producers to give her another shot. She is immediately pronounced the “kryptonite to Snooki’s tan” and, as in the first season, quickly forgotten.

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- When placing a takeout order, you shouldn't tell them your name is “The Situation,” because they won’t have any idea what you’re talking about. It’s a harsh reality you should go ahead and get used to.

- As we learned last season, if you’re a good looking guy with a propensity for pulling your shirt up over your abs like a baboon presenting their swollen genitals, girls will “flock to you.” Particularly if you’re being followed by a camera crew. But mostly the abs.

- There are no “grenades” in Miami. Until you sober up a little.

- Once again, Snooki is powerless to resist the call of a male roommate so drunk and desperate for love he’ll take the next midnight train going anywhere.

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- “It hurts my vagina… but I like it.”