Invoking the potential for some kind of unspeakably grim future, in which NYPD officers are forced to call in “a twisted, fucked-up drug-fueled sex-and-murder orgy…on Sesame Street,” the city of New York announced today that it’s permanently naming one of the city’s thoroughfares after the beloved educational series. Totally ignoring the potential for someone to have to tell an anecdote in which they were “beaten into a broken and mangled husk by a loose, enraged gorilla—on Sesame Street,” the city has lent the name to W 63rd and Broadway, forever setting the precedent for some truly depressing headlines somewhere down the line.
One of the major appeals of the actual Sesame Street, after all, is that it’s a safe environment for kids to learn in, divorced from a reality in which former Wall Street types hopped up on bath salts can try to eat a baby’s face, or an underground fighting ring can spill out into the light of a sunny day, leading to someone getting impaled with a broken piece of rebar, on Sesame Street. For a crowd whose usual closest thing to a brush with the dark side is a particularly nasty Oscar the Grouch barb, or the well-handled death of a beloved shopkeeper, the idea of a white supremacist march on Sesame Street, or a second 9/11 on Sesame Street, or some kind of first-strike nuclear hit, on Sesame Street, seems like it’s really only a matter of time. SuperGrover can’t save you from that sort of shit.
New York has previously named some of its streets after the show on a temporary basis, apparently managing to end the agreement before someone drove a semi-truck full of C4 into a nearby abortion clinic, or the Sesame Street Spleen Stabber worked up the nerve to strike. This new change, though—in honor of the show’s 50th anniversary—is permanent, meaning that it’s really only a matter of time.