Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Well, we're sold on this pitch for Gremlins 3

Illustration for article titled Well, were sold on this pitch for iGremlins 3/i
Screenshot: YouTube (Fair Use)

Joe Dante’s Gremlins 2: The New Batch is widely considered a cornerstone of Hollywood batshittery. Now a cult classic, the 1990 sequel arrived six years after Dante’s original horror-comedy to decent reviews but comparatively middling box office returns, thus putting a nail in the franchise’s tiny, Gizmo-shaped coffin. Talks of reboots and the like have circulated in the decades since, but, apart from this glorious Key & Peele sketch and an animated prequel on HBO Max, it doesn’t seem like we’re getting any new live-action Gremlins action in the near future.

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Which is a shame, because, as A.V. Club favorite Nick Lutsko makes clear, a plot for a third entry is right there for the taking. Enjoy as Lutsko couches his pitch in some damn catchy Billy Joel-esque anthem rock.

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Lutsko offers up a number of gremlin tie-in options including Gremlins vs. Home Alone, a “Jaws-like gremlin shark,” and/or cameos in both Attack of the Clones and Jurassic Park. We’re honestly on board with any of these, but then comes the true idea for a third Gremlins, which we will simply transcribe for you in its entirety:

Imagine there’s a film where Gizmo becomes a gremlin who teaches the other gremlins about democracy and philosophy. They develop a country—they call it “Gremlin Nation.” They ban all immigration. They have genocidal tendencies. Gizmo isn’t into it. Also, he has a kid with a human woman played by Jennifer Aniston. We can call it Gremlins 3! 

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And that is how you goddamn do it. But, as Lutsko reminds us, our cruel gods deprived us a third Gremlins movie in favor of “COVID and 9/11.” Our only hope is that Joe Dante and Steven Spielberg see this. Aniston, too. Internet, you know what to do.

Send Great Job, Internet sequels to gji@theonion.com

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Andrew Paul is a contributing writer with work recently featured by NBC Think, GQ, Slate, Rolling Stone, and McSweeney's Internet Tendency. He writes the newsletter, (((Echo Chamber))).

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