Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
David “Jokes Maloney” Fincher, Brad Pitt
Photo: Jun Sato / Contributor (Getty Images)

Oh, bless you, Variety’s Adam B. Vary and Marc Malkin. We do not mean that in the midwestern/southern sense, where “bless your heart” is a three-word substitution for the one-finger salute. We wish blessings upon your house and health and happiness to you and yours. We will forever be grateful for this piece in which you reveal that Brad Pitt relied on his “funny friends” to help him come up with the one-liners for his many, many acceptance speeches this awards season, and that one of those funny friends was celebrated director David Fincher.

Pitt, who, in one of the last night’s least surprising developments, won an Oscar for Once Upon A Time... In Hollywood, has been picking up hardware for what seems like a tiny age, throwing trophy after trophy onto the pile. As he accumulated awards, he also unleashed some pretty good jokes (you can listen to them below.) Pitt says he’s done his own speechwriting, but when speaking with Malkin before the awards, he also shared credit with some “funny friends” who helped with “some laughs.” Among those friends: Jim Jefferies, Bob Oschack, and Fincher, who’s directed Pitt in notorious yuk-fests like Se7en, Fight Club, and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Pitt’s exact words: “My man Fincher, we trade barbs every week.”

Advertisement

Oh god, to be in that text chain. Surely they workshopped some jokes about heads in boxes? At some point there was definitely a bit about the length of the show as compared to Benjamin Button, right? Maybe Fincher tried to sell him on joking about Mindhunter getting canceled? We’re honestly disappointed that he never managed to work in a gag where Pitt said something like, “Hey you know what’s really funny, how about that scene where it’s suggested that Cliff shot his wife with a harpoon gun because she was such a bitch which is then never mentioned again?”

Anyway, they were good jokes! Dear executives, next time you need a punch-up for comedy on a screenplay, maybe hire David Fincher. He’ll do it all via text message, apparently.

Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com

Contributor, The A.V. Club and The Takeout. Allison loves television, bourbon, and dramatically overanalyzing social interactions.

Share This Story

Get our newsletter