Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

We should've seen Nunchaku Bear coming, but now it's too late

Back in 2010, the internet was temporarily amused by the so-called “Kung Fu Bear.” As impressive as this furry warrior was, all he really did was play aimlessly with a stick for a few minutes. He didn’t show any signs of taking his studies further, progressing beyond the staff and into the more advanced martial arts of, say, mounted archery or sword fighting. Because of this, we stopped watching what the bears were up to, failing to monitor whether they were spreading their new skills to one another.

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Look what that negligence has given us: A bear that can attack not just with tooth and claw, but a pair of nunchaku, too.

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Nunchaku Bear’s weapon demonstration has been circulating all over, which is understandable given that it shows one of our planet’s top land predators doing a pretty solid job at practicing a deadly skill. We can only imagine that the bear secreted Bruce Lee movies into its cave, dull eyes taking in every practiced movement and translating the motions for use with its stubby (but oh-so-powerful) arms. Finally ready, it emerged to show us all what it learned. In one moment, Nunchaku Bear looks adorable. In another, mostly when the creature gnaws at the air in front of it as it swings its weapon, it offers a swift reminder of how frightened we should be of a well-armed bear.

It’s not like we weren’t warned that this was coming. 1990's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles gave us the prophetic vision of another bipedal animal whipping ass with a pair of ‘chucks.

And then, earlier this year, a different video showed a bear working out how to use the human weapon for its own purposes. Its fumbling movements made it look silly, though, and we dismissed it as a goofy one-off.

We dismissed the signs right in front of us. And now it’s too late. Nunchaku Bear is here, thirsty for human blood and ready to get it by whacking us with chain-linked sticks. It’s too late to stop this development. The only thing left to do is hope they don’t figure out guns before we have a chance to grab enough bludgeonin’ laptops to defend ourselves.

Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com

Contributor, The A.V. Club. Reid's a writer and editor who has appeared at GQ, Playboy, and Paste. He also co-created and writes for videogame sites Bullet Points Monthly and Digital Love Child.

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