Photo: LightFieldStudios (Getty Images)

You know how it goes: you’ve got yourself an egg, but it’s slightly too small and not nearly translucent or blue enough. Bad luck, nothing to be done, right? Wrong. Now you can get your egg just how you like it (slightly larger, translucent, blue), all thanks to this incredibly fucked-up Facebook “crafting” video dug up by Twitter user @chipspopandabar.

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The video appears to come from a Facebook page called “5-Minute Crafts.” So, as you’d expect, it takes three days. 5-Minute Crafts appears to be based in eastern Europe, and makes bizarre, algorithm-tinged videos that interpret the concept of crafts in the same way those “DIY Prank” videos considered smuggling hot dogs into a classroom inside a container of baby wipes a “prank.” 5-Minute Crafts has 67 million followers on Facebook, which presumably translate into heinous sums of money earned via revealing forbidden egg secrets.

But you are not here to learn the inner-workings of inexplicably popular and uncanny videos... you’re here to upgrade your egg! Let’s get to it.

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The first step is to take your too small, too opaque, too white egg and put it in a wine glass. Then, cover the shame of this pathetic egg in white vinegar. Wait one day, and when you return the hard shell of your egg will have dissolved, leaving only the translucent membrane that actually holds an egg together. Your egg will also be bigger than before—but not big enough.

So far what you’ve got is just your standard, Beakman’s World-ass science experiment, but day two of your egg odyssey is where things really get perverse. This phase calls for you to place your egg in a glass tumbler. Resist making a whiskey sour. Then, like a true degenerate, cover the egg in maple syrup. Wait another goddamn day.

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Finally, on the third day, remove your hideous creation from the syrup and cover it in water. Add some blue food-coloring. In just one day’s time, the egg shall be yours.

Congratulations, now you’ve got the egg you wanted—bigger than before, without a hard shell, and also blue—and it only took you three entire days. Enjoy!

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