“Very valuable.” So said former Vice President Dick Cheney as he signed a waterboard kit on last night’s episode of Who Is America?, Sacha Baron Cohen’s new satirical Showtime series. He wasn’t kidding; the signed bottle popped up on eBay yesterday, earning a bid of nearly $4,000 before the auction site, for some reason, removed it. The proceeds would’ve benefited human rights organization Amnesty International, which has long been a thorn in Cheney’s side.
As Mashable notes, the seller was only listed as ermo43, a nod to Baron Cohen’s Eran Morad, the Israeli “anti-terror expert” he plays on the series. A press release received by The A.V. Club confirms that it was indeed Baron Cohen behind the auction.
The listing included images of the water jug with Cheney’s signature (and, as you’ll know if you watched the episode, also that of “Demi Lovato”). It describes Cheney as “the Godfather of the sport—American war hero and all-round mensch,” which is very in character for Morad.
Unlike the cheap domestic water board kits you can buy on Amazon, this is a professional grade piece of military hardware. Fully functioning, it have seen many hours active use by me, both on the frontline of the War on Terror and also in my own home, where it has proved very effective at keeping my son, Eyal, in line. Indeed, if you too live in a bungalow, water boarding is a great alternative to the “naughty step”.
The bottle is listed as made from Military Grade High Density Polyethylene (HDPE), “meaning that as well as Water Boarding, it can also be used to Dr. Pepper Board, Clorox Board or even Urine Board potential terrorists or annoying neighbors.”
It also promised a money-back guarantee if the kit “does not prevent your next major terrorist attack,” as well as a “custom-cast deep-fluid-dispensing information-retrieval kit,” a “complimentary gallon of water for initial use,” and “zero (0) scruples.”
Elsewhere in the terrifying interview, Cheney was asked which of the wars that he started was his favorite (Desert Storm, natch) and creepily chuckled when Morad said he waterboarded his wife when he thought she was cheating on him. Let that sink in.