Continuing to supply hard-hitting journalism to the world of entertainment, MTV correspondent Josh Horowitz recently sat down with The Hobbit stars Martin Freeman (Bilbo), Ian McKellan (Gandalf), and Andy Serkis (Gollum) for a brief game of “Fuck, Marry, Kill,” with two rounds of choices: some of the Lord Of The Rings series’ baddies (the dragon Smaug, the Eye Of Sauron, “an unnamed orc”) and then their own characters.

This is a dumb line of questioning, but it yields entertaining results because the stars take it so gravely and thoughtfully—particularly McKellan, who responds to the initial pitch with a mild, musing “I don’t want to have sex with any of them,” in a tone that implies he’d be more than happy to rattle off a list of LOTR characters he would like to boink. And given the choice between Bilbo, Gollum, and Gandalf, he purrs “I’d marry Gandalf. We’d have such a good time.” Would everybody please get on writing that slashfic right now? Especially you, Ian McKellan?

Freeman and Serkis also take the questions surprisingly seriously, with Freeman pointing out that you can’t fuck the Eye Of Sauron, “because I assume you’d die immediately.” Frankly, it’s fun to see actors being this playful and irreverent, although it’s strange to see a game of “Fuck, Marry, Kill” on a network that has to bleep the word “fuck.” Remember the words of Ferris Bueller, Josh Horowitz: If you can’t say it, you can’t do it. Especially not with a gigantic eyeball made out of fire.

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