Having finally streamlined his process, Uwe Boll has released a new movie that insults everyone who watches it in a mere 90 seconds, rather than the usual 90 minutes. The director, whose entire career has been based in varying levels of trolling and German tax shelters, released a short video titled “Fuck You All,” his most concise statement of purpose since “Starring Tara Reid.” Over the course of the film and its four-minute sequel, Boll rails against crowdfunding, Hollywood stars like George Clooney and Brad Pitt, Marvel franchises, and anyone who happens to be watching. At most recent count, that was well over 300,000 people, the largest for a Uwe Boll film in a decade. At long last, Uwe Boll has hit his creative stride.

The inspiration for Boll’s magnum opus of misanthropy is the failed Kickstarter campaign for Rampage 3: No Mercy, proposed as the next sequel in Boll’s film series about lashing out against all of society’s ills with unjustified, scattershot rage. But as he’s been deprived of doing that with another movie about a guy in Kevlar killing random strangers, Boll has returned to his actual strength: his words.

Advertisement

“Basically my message is fuck yourself,” Boll says, noting that this is now his third failed crowdfunding attempt, after Indiegogo gave him only $5,000 of the $80,000 goal, and a previous campaign for Postal 2 netted a mere $29,997 of $500,000, despite a video in which he waxed fanciful about raping Heidi Klum. Clearly, the system is broken.

“What retarded, amateur idiots collecting money on that absurd website,” Boll added, escaping his own condemnation by dint of the fact that he didn’t actually collect anything. Though, of course, despite declaring, “For me, crowdfunding is absolutely dead,” his campaign is still active with three days left—and it seems to have generated another $1,500 since the video was posted. So, like challenging his critics and Michael Bay to box him, while also calling seemingly every successful filmmaker a “fucking retard,” Boll continues to profit from denigrating the entire movie business.

This time, Boll’s calculated anger isn’t directed solely at crowdfunding itself, which he paints as a seamy underworld where “hundreds of thousands” of shysters approach you to “make a fast dime” by offering to promote your campaign, then take 10 percent of your earnings. No, for the man who makes cheap video game adaptations for German investors to use as tax write-offs, it’s about the art.

Advertisement

“I want to make Rampage 3 because it is an important movie, but it seems your easier giving $600,000 if you make a movie about some retarded wizard in a forest or for another, whatever, Marvels, Avengers bullshit dirt,” Boll says. “So goodbye, and goodbye Hollywood.”

Continuing Boll’s long farewell to a place he’s never really worked, a second video finds him idly flipping through The Hollywood Reporter, pointing to “fucking pieces of shit” like Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Robert Downey Jr., and George Clooney who are “fucking each other in the asses,” and laughing at you for giving them money for their terrible movies, instead of Uwe Boll’s movies. In particular, Boll singles out Clooney for cowardly backing a documentary about the Darfur genocide, rather than a film that could have actually made a difference—specifically Boll’s Darfur, the only movie brave enough to have actual rape victims reenact their rapes. But most of all, Boll is angry with all the stupid young people who fall for films that don’t have such commitment to verisimilitude.

“Wake the fuck up! Iron Man is not existing. The Avengers are not existing! Those are all fucking retarded idiots… They’re laughing their asses off that the people pay money for that stupid, absurd shit what they’re shooting. Like Captain America and all that completely crap,” says Uwe Boll, a man who made a movie about a fat vampire fighting Hitler.

Advertisement

Along with sounding the alarm that Iron Man isn’t real, Boll also casts timely doubt on Jennifer Lopez’s claims of being “Jenny From The Block.” “What is Jennifer Lopez? Like a fucking demanding Mexican bitch, nothing else,” Boll sneers, his biggest slap in the face of 2002 since Heart Of America.

Overall, Boll’s thesis is the same he’d hoped to explore further in Rampage 3, if only people had given him more money: The rich get richer, as “Hollywood sucks the capital from the rich people from around the world” to buy Ferraris for movie stars, and so some “Chinese, Alibaba idiot” or “India steel magnate” can moor their “fucking yacht in front of Cannes to fuck models.” But according to Boll, none of those investors actually make their money back—and unlike investors in Boll’s movies, who are counting on exactly that to avoid paying any taxes, that’s not a good thing. And since crowdfunding has failed to fix the Hollywood system by enabling sequels to Uwe Boll movies, like his Rampage protagonist, the only solution Boll sees is mass murder.

“I really, really wish they would get wiped out… We have to fucking kill the rich,” says Boll, who only moments earlier boasted that he has “enough money to play golf ’til I’m dead.” All told, it’s an incoherent, poorly shot mess from Boll that’s completely lacking in self-awareness and full of naked contempt for the audience. Only this time, you can watch the whole thing in about five minutes.

Advertisement