Ryan Gosling will just have to settle for being a handsome and successful professional actor as Variety reports that Lost River (a.k.a. How To Catch A Monster), Gosling’s directorial debut, won’t be coming to a theater near you, or anywhere for that matter. Warner Bros. has apparently decided not to release the movie in theaters and will debut it in April on home video instead. Given that this is a movie that premiered at Cannes, was written and directed by a big Hollywood name, and stars other big Hollywood names like Christina Hendricks, Doctor Who’s Matt Smith, and Eva Mendes, Lost River doesn’t lack marketing appeal.

“So give it to me straight,” you say, tearfully clutching your Ryan Gosling body pillow. “It sucks, doesn’t it?” That does seem to be the case—although our own A.A. Dowd gave it an even-handed C+, he does say that the film is a “stylishly grotesque poverty-chic carnival” that is little more than a collage of its influences. (Most of the critics who saw Lost River at Cannes were similarly unimpressed.) These critics, of course, are all professional cynics and bitter jerks, and they don’t know Ryan like you do, nor do they see the deep, artistic pain behind those heart-stoppingly blue puppy dog eyes. You are the only one who really gets Lost River. You also like David Lynch movies! You thought Only God Forgives was a little violent, but you understand why Ryan wanted to do it. You haven’t seen The Tree Of Life yet, but maybe Ryan can explain it to you as he paddles the two of you in a canoe, his muscles flexing in his white T-shirt and the sun glinting off of his blonde hair as he talks about Malick’s use of natural imagery to symbolize man’s shortcomings. “Yes,” you will whisper. “Yes, the scene with the dinosaurs does sound pretty cool.”

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UPDATED: Variety reports that Lost River will get a limited theatrical release after all, along with a day-and-date VOD release. Screenings will take place in New York and L.A., which is also where Ryan lives, not that you’re going to find the address online and try to climb the gates or anything.