When last we left our Sheen, he had unsheathed his broadsword from its scabbard and—buttressed by the magic and poetry leaping from his fingertips, and surrounded by his secret, silent army of assassins—taken arms against a sea of turds on The Alex Jones Show. Sheen’s declaration of war on losers came at an unusually weighty hour, with CBS having just announced that Two And A Half Men would resume filming next week. Would Sheen’s sneering, borderline anti-Semitic dismissal of show creator Chuck Lorre make for an awkward table read, and would the mutual bitterness then poison the mirth?
These questions became even more pressing in the hours that followed, as Charlie “Bayonets” Sheen continued to strafe the ground by challenging Lorre to a fight in an octagon, telling TMZ, “I violently hate Chaim Levine. He's a stupid, stupid little man and a pussy punk that I'd never want to be like. That's me being polite." He then added, “That piece of shit [Lorre] took money out of my pocket, my family's pocket, and, most importantly, my second family—my crew's pocket. You can tell him one thing. I own him." Sheen said that if Lorre managed to beat him in the ring, “then he can leave my show.”
Thus faced with an inevitable mixed martial arts beatdown in front of cast and crew, CBS and Warner Bros. TV made the decision to pull the plug on Two And A Half Men, issuing this joint statement: “Based on the totality of Charlie Sheen’s statements, conduct and condition, CBS and Warner Brothers Television have decided to discontinue production of Two And A Half Men for the remainder of the season.” What isn’t clear yet is whether the show will ever return now, or whether both CBS and Warner Bros. will continue being unable to process Charlie Sheen’s bitching, perfect existence because they lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly children and just look at their loser lives all the time.
Naturally, the decision has prompted Sheen to respond, because he is not a soft target and “bring it” and so forth. In an open letter posted to TMZ, Sheen wrote:
What does this say about Haim Levine after he tried to use his words to judge and attempt to degrade me. I gracefully ignored this folly for 177 shows… I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can't handle my power and can't handle the truth. I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words—imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists. I urge all my beautiful and loyal fans who embraced this show for almost a decade to walk with me side-by-side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong.
Remember these are my people … not yours…we will continue on together…
(So just so we’re up to speed, Charlie Sheen’s hands shoot fire, magic, and poetry—although you will still need to acquire a certain number of experience points before you can use all three.)
That Sheen is unfazed by the show’s stoppage and even seems to be severing all future connections with Lorre seems to play into what he said on Jones’ show yesterday, which is that he was told if he went on “attack,” the network would cancel the show—leaving many to assume that he deliberately baited CBS into shutting it down, his exhaustion with “losers” trumping his need for shitloads of money. Of course, while Sheen remains in the Bahamas with two smoooookin’ hotties having a “grand old time,” clearly cool with the idea of leaving TV behind, he’s also potentially jeopardizing his future movie career: Morgan Creek CEO James G. Robinson—best known as the guy who wrote that scolding letter to Lindsay Lohan on the set of Georgia Rule—says he’s not willing to put Sheen in the much-talked-about Major League 3 if he doesn’t “straighten up.” T-minus two hours until Charlie Sheen tells James G. Robinson he will destroy him with the lasers from his hands.
UPDATE: In what promises to be a pattern for the rest of the day, Charlie Sheen continues to create news stories every time he opens his mouth. First, he has denied that calling Chuck Lorre "Chaim (or Haim) Levine" is anti-Semitic, telling TMZ that he was "referring to Chuck by his real name, because I wanted to address the man, not the bullshit TV persona." ("Chaim" is the Hebrew translation of Lorre's birth name Charles.) Sheen asks, "So you're telling me, anytime someone calls me Carlos Estevez, I can claim they are anti-Latino?"
Then there's this from The Hollywood Reporter, who adds that Sheen sent a series of text messages to Good Morning America's Andrea Canning claiming that he still intends to show up for work next week, despite CBS canceling production of the show. He also says that he is currently in talks for his own show on HBO—something he'd first suggested to RadarOnline. According to Sheen, he is "close to securing a 10-episode guarantee" for something he's calling Sheen's Corner, which he says "will be epic, all types of guests and we will focus on the truth and the absurd!" (So, sort of a combination of Real Time With Bill Maher, Playboy After Dark, and Penn And Teller: Bullshit, we guess.) Not surprisingly, HBO immediately denied that it is in talks with Sheen. See you back here again in 30 minutes or so…