Universal Pictures is on a mission to prove that there’s no topic so bland and milquetoast it can’t be watered down and neutered even further by turning it into a major motion picture. Fans of the cinematic equivalent of un-buttered white toast, rejoice! Variety reports that the studio is developing a film based on Drybar, the high-end hair care salon franchise. (“Finally, a story worth telling on the big screen,” thinks the ghost of Harriet Tubman.)
It’s a given that this movie will provide the greatest representation of the history-altering world of luxury hair salons since Black Shampoo showed what happens when you fuck with a man who just wants to make the ladies look good. But the details sound exactly as appealing as the overall idea: the studio optioned the life rights of siblings Alli Webb and Michael Landau, who founded Drybar and now run more than 40 locations throughout the country. The film will detail how Webb, after spending 15 years as a professional stylist, managed to open up the first Drybar in 2010 with the aid of her brother and then bored everyone to tears just by making them read even that much of the description, good God. There’s no word yet on a title, but Zzzzzzzzz seems like a good one, as it functions both as an onomatopoeia for the sound a hair dryer makes and the reaction of the world to this development announcement.
Hopefully, though, they take a lesson from Black Shampoo and have the mob kidnap one of the siblings, fueling a kung fu-and-sex-filled rampage of revenge. It may be an old story, but it’s a good story.