Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Ukraine wants to ban SpongeBob SquarePants, on account of it being gay

The Ukraine is a sitting duck—it's weak and feeble—just waiting to have its society destroyed by the insidious forces of American cartoons. Fortunately there is the Ukraine's National Expert Commission for Protecting Public Morality, which recently called for a ban on imported shows like SpongeBob SquarePants, a cartoon it termed "a real threat to children" for its clear agenda of promoting homosexuality. According to the report, the "asexuality" of the common sponge, like so many a shy college student, is nothing but a cover for raging homosexual love, evidenced by SpongeBob's frequent holding of hands with his pink pal Patrick, taking boating lessons from a character named Miss Puff ("'Puff' being both a derogatory and affectionate term to describe a gay man," The Daily Mail adds helpfully), and his living in an underwater pineapple, the gayest of fruits.

The commission more explicitly echoed Jerry Falwell in its condemnation of the Teletubbies, agreeing that Tinky Winky's carrying of what appears to be a handbag threatens to upend the social order by saying, "In real life, boys very rarely want to put on girls' clothes." Though it stops short of calling this an indoctrination technique, It does say that the Teletubbies intentionally puts children into a trance, creating " an imbecile who will sit near the screen with an open mouth and swallow any information" that is not government-issued, proposing that these shows' handbag-and-pineapple-normalization—to say nothing of the " projects aimed at the destruction of the family, and the promotion of drugs and other vices" represented by other targeted shows The Simpsons, Family Guy, and the addiction parable Pokemon—are all infiltrating the young Ukrainian's brain through hypnotic suggestion. This, of course, leaves little room for thoughts of grain production and racism, and they must be stopped.


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