There are many, many animals on the internet each week, but you are busy and can only click on so much. And yet it’s hard to go into the weekend thinking: Could I have done better? Were there animals that deserved my internet traffic that did not receive it? In this important recurring feature, we recap some of the most important animals from the internet that you may have missed.
Another week, another realization that human beings just can’t match animals when it comes to intensity or purity, and should probably just give up. Like, have you, personally, done anything as amazing this week as Calaya, the 15-year-old lowland gorilla who just gave birth to her first child, Moke, at the Smithsonian’s National Zoo? Hell, there have been people working at Pixar for their entire careers without creating anything this cute, and they weren’t helping to propagate a dangerously endangered species in the process, either.
And while we might have raised a ruckus or two at a tourist attraction over the years, we’ve never actually managed to alter the routines of an entire ancient castle, like one righteously ornery badger did in Scotland recently. Authorities are apparently trying to coax the little interloper back into the woods with cat food and honey, because animals are even eating better than the rest of us this week.
Even humanity’s beloved pot holiday, the holy 4/20, is being co-opted and done one better by the animal kingdom; take this Twitter story of an Indiana woman who brought her pet raccoon to a firestation, worried because he’d had “too much” marijuana. The animals are even getting higher than us, and it’s humiliating.
All we can really do, honestly, is supplicate ourselves before them. Celebrate this list of award-winningly ugly dogs, for instance, or make like baseball MVP (and former Seinfeld character) Keith Hernandez, and devote our newly forged social media presences to them. (Admittedly, Hernandez’s beloved cat Hadji is pretty cute.)
Otherwise, we’ll just have to sit here, waiting for our eventual obsolescence, and contemplating this bucket of baby goats. They’re the future, we’re the past, and the future’s looking pretty dang cute.