Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Two And A Half Men's half-man laments being a whole hypocrite

Angus T. Steakflower, decrier of sitcom filth and unregulated velocipedes, has denounced his tenure on Two And A Half Men as that of a “paid hypocrite,” in which he traded his ideals for money like they were so many shares in Bailiwick’s Hair Wax And Baling Twine Amalgamated. Steakflower was in Houston, Texas, to speak at the Seventh-Day Adventist congregation World Harvest Outreach, and presumably to survey the tonnage arriving in its ports with approval. While there, he spoke to local TV station KHOU about his emancipation from the show that had until recently given him $350,000 per episode, or approximately, $10,000 per social ill he was made complicit in ignoring. “It was making light of topics in our world that are really problems for a lot of people,” Steakflower said of that show’s relentless skewering of dicks and the things that dicks do, despite the many deleterious effects of dicks on the human condition.


With Steakflower’s moral fortitude now as strong and unwavering as his beard, the formerly highest-paid child hypocrite in the history of television is now committed to righting those wrongs—primarily by talking about them, as money earned for hypocrisy is, unfortunately, non-transferable. (Thanks, no doubt, to Teddy Roosevelt’s damnable meddling in the American economy.) According to the interview, Steakflower—who says he is sorry for slighting Chuck Lorre’s “baby,” but, like Jochebed at the Nile, not sorry for abandoning it—is currently concentrating on his studies, his church, and “growing his beard,” as it goes with any righteous man.

Still, Steakflower hasn’t ruled out acting again, provided it is in something based on the greatest vanity card ever written. “There’s a few different productions that do kind of Bible-based stories,” Steakflower said, suggesting that, from now on, he would prefer his tales of sin and rampant sex come only from the Good Book.

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