Screenshot: This Week/ABC

With Kellyanne Conway currently on timeout for putting her damn shoes on the furniture, the White House has scrambled to find someone capable of speaking out of the side of their mouth, the better to dispense bullshit with. Sarah “I Love My Dad, Mike” Huckabee Sanders drew the short straw, and was thrown into the lion’s den, where she made hilariously inadequate attempts to walk back Trump’s assertion that Barack Obama had ordered a wiretap on his phones. In true Trump official fashion, Huckabee Sanders managed to disparage the media, compare the Cheeto in chief to Jesus, and basically, do everything except answer the direct questions posed to her.

Huckabee Sanders’ role is actually that of the new deputy press secretary, making her Sean Spicer’s right arm or whatever appendage best disseminates misinformation. But with all of her suppositions, she’s headed to Conway territory, where the fields are Bowling Green and the facts are alternative. She began her authenticity-lite tour of the press with Martha Raddatz on ABC’s The Week, where she displayed her boss’ penchant for repetition, and eschewed logic.

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If all of Huckabee Sanders’ “if” statements had you feeling like you were in your intro to philosophy class again, you’re not alone. She similarly baffled George Stephanopoulos, who kept having to remind her that even though she may be equivocating, Trump was not when he accused the former administration of tapp-ing his phones. Huckabee Sanders’ mealy-mouth defense was more deflection, calling upon an investigation into the thing Trump already says happened.

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When asked point-blank if President Twitter took a break from blowing up America’s timelines to, we don’t know, exercise some of his executive power and at least inquire about the matter, Huckabee Sanders says she doesn’t keep up with all his wheelings and dealings. Later, when Stephanopoulos suggested she check her sources, because none of the publications she cited reported that Trump’s accusations were true, Huckabee Sanders huffily wondered why unfounded claims aren’t more popular these days.

The deputy press secretary was no more prepared on Today, where she just repeated the same tripe from her other interviews. But this time, she made a fun Biblical reference. Now we totally get why she was deputized.

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[via Pajiba]