Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Transformers to morph into three hopefully less-crappy movies through 2019

This is a robot dinosaur that shoots fire. Vive le cinéma.
This is a robot dinosaur that shoots fire. Vive le cinéma.

If Transformers: Age Of Extinction taught us anything, it’s that there’s no thrilling scene of giant robot carnage that can’t be made colossally dull by pulling out the sound effects and replacing them with a bunch of Imagine Dragons songs. But despite the standard audience reaction to Mark Wahlberg grimacing and arguing with a seemingly clinically depressed Optimus Prime, it still made obscene amounts of money, so sequels are coming. /Film reports that Paramount has set release dates for the next three Transformers films, and they’re coming at us quicker than a runaway MacGuffin roaring through space. Also, with any luck, they will not be terrible, because they’ve had four tries now, and surely the law of averages suggests these movies will start getting good at some point.

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The Michael Bay-directed Transformers 5 is set for June 23, 2017, with Transformers 6 coming the very next year on June 8, and then Transformers 7 on June 28, 2019. America’s dearth of robot dinosaurs will therefore be rectified for at least three years straight. These release dates pit the fifth installment against DC’s Wonder Woman, which probably irritates Warner Brothers executives, and sets the sixth one in competition with Godzilla 2, which will horrify megalophobes, who are encouraged to just spend that weekend indoors.

Part of this timetable’s implication is that Michael Bay can’t possibly direct all three of these, meaning he can’t keep saying he’s done and then return for another installment, as he’s done for the last two films. Also, last year Paramount hired writer Akiva Goldsman to run a Transformers writers room with the intent of creating a Marvel-style shared universe, like everyone wants these days. Hasbro supposedly has 10 years of sequels already planned, though it seems clear at this point we’re all just waiting for any creative types involved with this franchise to mechanically transform into various modes of transportation, revealing that they really were, all along, robots in disguise.

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