Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Totally normal house listing doesn’t say whether its many, many mannequins are included in sale

Illustration for article titled Totally normal house listing doesn’t say whether its many, many mannequins are included in sale
Photo: Harald Sund (Getty Images)

3695 Primrose Road is a pretty ordinary house up for sale in South Lake Tahoe, California. Some of its rooms may be a little messy and the baroque gold decorations in the bathroom likely aren’t to everyone’s taste, but otherwise it seems like a good spot to check out if—oh Jesus Christ, oh no, oh, look at all those mannequins.

Sorry. Apologies. Let’s return to the property’s Zillow listing. The house is being sold for $650,000, it’s 2,116 square feet in size, and features two units, with three bedrooms and two bathrooms upstairs and two bedrooms and one bathroom downstairs. “With a little love, this duplex has great income property potential,” the listing promises.

You can see this for yourself when you click on through its photos, which show the layout of various rooms, including ones where—oh, god damn it! What are those mannequins doing all over the place?

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Okay, look. We can sit here and talk about 3695 Primrose Road’s architectural features or its proximity to different local attractions, pretending that it’s just another house, or we can face down our fears that the devil is lurking inside each and every photo from its listing and discuss the elephant in the room: There are way too mannequins hanging out in this place.

One or two of the things could be chalked up to the owner being a fashion designer or some other sort of artist. Three or four might hint at a benign kind of eccentricity. But there are mannequins all over this joint. And the mannequins look like they were in the middle of an unearthly mannequin cocktail party just before the real estate agent came in and they had to freeze, pretending not to be inhabited by evil spirits for a little while. They stand around in evening gowns in one room and, in another, congregate around statues of a dog and the Virgin Mary. One of them lies on the floor in a swimsuit model pose, as if about to say, “Come here, Gary. We’ll love you forever and ever and ever.” A pair stand in the living room, looking toward the camera like they’re ready for a red carpet close-up. “This is the most exciting nightclub we’ve ever been to, Gary,” you can almost hear one say while the other giggles adoringly. Even among the stiff competition online house tours have given us lately, the property stands out.

The listing doesn’t say whether these cursed figures are included with the home’s sale, though it does warn that the house is “to be sold as-is.” Even if that doesn’t take into account the mannequins staying put after everything else is moved out, we imagine potential buyers will feel their presence long into the future.

Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com

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Contributor, The A.V. Club. Reid's a writer and editor who has appeared at GQ, Playboy, and Paste. He also co-created and writes for videogame sites Bullet Points Monthly and Digital Love Child.

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