Tom Hanks is one of the most beloved people in the whole world. We don’t have the data to back this up, but we’re pretty sure everything he’s ever done has been good—except for The Polar Express. He has a couple of children who aren’t famous, and two who are. One of them is Colin Hanks, a reasonably beloved person who was on Fargo and is a fun guest on podcasts. The other is Chester Hanks, but he prefers to be called Chet Haze because he’s a rapper. We won’t assume that Colin is the favorite kid, but in the summary box on Tom Hanks’ Wikipedia page, it says “Children: 4; including Colin Hanks,” and we’re pretty sure Tom wrote that himself.
Now, the problem with having one of your siblings be the obvious favorite is that a feeling of helplessness can sometimes set in. Just because your brother was in a critically acclaimed TV show, you might find yourself pushing away from your family while simultaneously crying out for their attention. “Look at me,” you may say, while also screaming “Fuck you” in their faces. You could also find yourself making a video in which you defend your supposed right to use the n-word because you claim to be a hip-hop artist. We don’t recommend that.
Unfortunately, Chet Haze doesn’t come to us for advice, because he recently decided that doing exactly that would be a good way to get attention. Haze—who we should point out is super white, like his dad—posted a video on Instagram in which he rambled on about how everyone should be able to say the n-word because of “free speech” and how it doesn’t make sense to put rules on what people can or can’t say in 2015. Again, he’s super white. Well, his plan worked in the sense that we’re talking about it, but we assume that his dad was too busy putting some of Colin’s fabulous watercolor paintings on the fridge to care.
Now, though, Chester has (allegedly) done something that his dad won’t be able to ignore. He has finally made his mark on the world, and all it took was (allegedly) smashing some stuff in a hotel room in England. According to The Daily Mirror—which we understand to be a very reputable news source—Chet Haze was in London doing whatever a kid who never has to work for anything does in London. At some point, he brought three girls back to his hotel room in hopes of convincing them that he’s someone cooler than Chester Hanks, but things didn’t go well. According to a Daily Mirror source, that’s when things got interesting:
He asked the girls if they would join him in the bed, but they are not like that. So he started screaming and making a right noise. He saw some sprinkled make-up called banana powder and started asking ‘who’s got the coke?’ But nobody did drugs there.
Haze then (allegedly) flipped out and started yelling and smashing stuff. The next morning, he was gone, and the hotel room was trashed. The Daily Mirror says the police are looking for Haze, though they won’t release his name. Instead, they announced that they’re looking for one of Tom Hanks’ sons, but not the one everybody likes from Fargo. “We want the stupid one,” the police (didn’t really) say. “The one who thinks he’s allowed to say the n-word.”