(Photo: Frazer Harrison/Getty Images)

Given that our recent news cycle has become a Sisyphean endeavor of rolling a hirsute, oily boulder up a hill only to have it fall back and smother us with even more anecdotes about its penis, here’s a (probably futile) attempt to get all of today’s other Brett Ratner-related news out in one quick spurt. First, Deadline reports that Anchor Bay has last acquired the rights to the Ratner-produced, Darren Lynn Bousman-directed remake of the Troma horror film Mother’s Day, the long-shelved festival sleeper starring Rebecca DeMornay as the homicidal matriarch of a family of thieves. It’s now pegged for release on May 13, 2012, just in case your Mom likes to spend Mother’s Day ironically. Anchor Bay picked today to announce the acquisition, because obviously.

And speaking of quick spurts, while easily overlooked during his cataloging all of his conquests for Howard Stern yesterday, Ratner also slipped in a tidbit about his plans to remake yet another film, one he says he used to love to masturbate to—namely the 1982 teen romp The Last American Virgin—making it the purest representation yet of Brett Ratner’s filmmaking career. “The girl in that was so beautiful, curly hair, gorgeous eyes, I was 12 years old [and] I think I jerked off to her at least 200 times,” Ratner said of star Diane Franklin, who plays the foreign exchange student caught in a love triangle between a nerdy pizza boy and his relatively cooler friend.

Presumably Ratner’s Last American Virgin would also feature an actress that Ratner deems worthy of jacking it to, though there’s obviously no word yet on whether he plans to remain true to the film’s other most defining characteristic—namely, its surprisingly emotional gut-punch of an ending—but it’s easy to imagine him rehashing the part about luring girls with cocaine, or its wall-to-wall soundtrack of ’80s hits, many of which are repeated at least two or three times to squeeze every last drop out of their licensing fees. Anyway, there, that should hold us on Ratner news for at least a few hours.