Human sexuality is incredibly complicated and, as long as everything’s consensual and between adults, it’s nobody’s place to cast aspersions on its many complex, surprising expressions. Nothing tests this belief more thoroughly or often than the internet, an incredible invention that has not only forever changed how information spreads across the world, but also how much we know about what, exactly, people want to fuck.
This isn’t new. There is, of course, porn of anything you can imagine, no matter how unassuming the source. And yet, despite years of mental callousing, the stuff people get all hot under the collar over can still illicit a moment of surprise. It’s beautiful in a way, to consider how a single week—a week like any other—can introduce eye-opening new crushes to the mainstream: a roughly anthropoid metal robot, a snake-tongued, cancerous mass of a monster, and a giant, scrotum-chinned alien freak.
While we’ve touched on Venom before, a notable hunk who possesses no notable features but a body formed of tarry ichor and a muscly tongue, the other two things on this list are something else. Netflix, for example, has found itself at a #brand-enhancing loss over how attractive viewers find the robot starring in its new Lost in Space reboot.
While the warm embrace of a cold, cold machine makes a certain amount of sense in an era of technological alienation, the last item on this latest round-up of vaguely humanoid stud creatures is still puzzling: Avengers: Infinity War villain/noted genocide advocate Thanos.
This is not a fringe obsession. It is, in fact, a cultural moment important enough that Vulture’s Kyle Buchanan interviewed his co-workers to craft an informal “hot or not” poll. Most, it seems, are into the well-sculpted California Raisin, including writer Dee Lockett, who shares the following thought: “Just picture that gravelly voice grunting in your ear and what That Fist could do.”
While you may shudder while following Lockett’s instructions and “picturing that,” please remember that the universe is vast and indifferent and we should all take comfort where we can find it. Wherever our solace comes from—the arms of a human being or the new sensations of alien flesh and robot ports—the most important thing is that we find it. No matter how difficult it may be to understand, let’s all just try to take comfort in our ingenuity as a species, delight in the creativity of the sexual expression of the smartest animals on planet Earth, and brace for whatever the internet wants to fuck next.
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