The intense secrecy and scrutiny surrounding the new Star Wars cast is drawing to a close, as everyone involved realizes life is too fleeting to spend it agonizing over the machinations of a movie franchise, and runs outside to dance naked in the spring air to “Age Of Aquarius.” Also, they’re probably just going to tell us on May 4. So we must savor each unconfirmed rumor and speculation as though it were our last—beginning with Deadline adding Inside Llewyn Davis’ Oscar Isaac to the lengthy list of those reportedly up for a “major role.”
Isaac joins other names we’ve heard that could be making the jump from respected indie fare into the hyperspace of answering questions about imaginary planets for the rest of their lives, including his Llewyn Davis costar Adam Driver, Attack The Block’s John Boyega, 12 Years A Slave’s Lupita Nyong’o, and Oxford-trained newcomer Maisie Richardson-Sellers. As with those others, it’s unknown whom Isaac might play—though one could certainly make a joke about he and Driver being part of the Mos Eisley music scene that spawned Figrin D’an And The Modal Nodes, with Isaac now railing bitterly against the more commercial sound of groups like The Max Rebo Band. Indeed, that would be briefly amusing.
Hey, on a related note, did you know that Max Rebo’s band was originally called Evar Orbus And His Galactic Jizz-Wailers? Or that all of these groups played “jizz” music? Yes, there were so many colorful characters in that era, spreading their jizz across every dive bar in the galaxy.
Anyway, if Isaac does end up cast, he’ll face serious competition for the biggest grump in 12 systems from Harrison Ford, whose Han Solo is said by Deadline to have a “gigantic role” in Episode VII. (Which we’ll just assume to be code for “he dies.”) Of course, Ford’s casting is not yet official—nor is that of Mark Hamill or Carrie Fisher—though all three have been spotted in recent days in London, where J.J. Abrams is set to have his first big table read today. So it’s likely that the ensuing hours and swarm of paparazzi surrounding it will soon put speculative chatter about who will be in the movie to rest. Then we can move on at last to our year of wondering aloud what the movie will be about.
Seriously, “jizz.” How the hell did George Lucas get that past us for nearly 40 years?
UPDATE: Well, that didn’t take long. Here’s the official Episode VII cast.