Donald Trump, doing his best turtle-with-scurvy impression (Image by: Getty Images)

Poor Donald Trump. That hardworking shithead just can’t catch a break. Patrons and media companies have been dropping the national-laughingstock-turned-joke-of-a-presidential-candidate and his Miss USA Pageant left and right, all because he made some minor comments about how an entire nationality is composed of criminals. What’s a down-on-his-luck asshat to do?

If the past 24 hours are any indication, there’s always another tawdry port in an orange-hued storm. Deadline reports barely-there cable channel Reelz has picked up the rights to Trump’s Miss USA Pageant, set to air on an upcoming Sunday night. It’s not the first time Reelz has picked up other networks’ cast-offs: it made a similar move in 2011, after miniseries The Kennedys was dropped by The History Channel. And much like Kennedy himself would have done, the Miss USA Pageant involves a bevy of stereotypically attractive women being used and then tossed aside.

Of course, this is assuming there’s anyone left to judge the pageant. According to E! Online, former football great Emmitt Smith has also decided to abandon the Miss USA Pageant in light of Trump’s comments. Given that Smith’s wife was Miss Virginia USA and first runner-up at the 1994 pageant, we can assume Smith knows firsthand how hard the women in the competition work, mostly because he said so. “Knowing firsthand through my wife, Pat Smith, how much the women prepare for this event, I continue to send my support and best wishes to everyone competing this year,” Smith said in a Facebook post. Though, let’s be honest: they probably don’t work as hard as Trump, the misunderstood sentient rug burn at the center of this firestorm.

But don’t worry: Our boy Trump is nothing if not resilient, perhaps taking a cue from the teflon-reinforced Shih Tzu tail resting atop his head. He’s got an important message for the American people, one that he’ll continue to deliver long after we’ve all stopped listening. During an interview with Don Lemon, CNN’s less-intelligent answer to Tucker Carlson, Donald “My life is a cosmic joke” Trump claimed that Mexican immigrants are responsible for rape, full stop. Citing an irrelevant article about Central American migrant women in Mexico being raped, Trump boldly launched into an unfounded racist syllogism about immigrants entering America illegally.

“That’s about women being raped,” Lemon told Trump, rudely interrupting a rant that had nothing to do with reality or facts. “It’s not about criminals coming across the border.” Happily, Trump had an irrefutable comeback: “Somebody’s doing the raping, Don. The thing is women being raped, well, then who’s doing the raping?” Who, indeed? In fact, let’s use that same logic here, and emulate our good friend Donald. According to Safe Horizon, 80 percent of child abuse cases in 2012 were perpetrated by the parent. Donald Trump is a parent. So who’s out there abusing children, Don? Somebody like Donald Trump is doing the abusing? Is it Donald Trump?

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