Good evening, boils and ghouls! Did you really think TNT could send out a press release about its new horror anthology SCARE-ies without your pal the Cryptkeeper? Of course not! Why, I’ve got a BOO-niversity degree in PUTRID relations! You see, today TNT announced that it’s ordered 10 EXPLOSIVE episodes of the recently reanimated Tales From The Crypt, hosted by a “newly reinvented” master of SCARE-monies. Looks like your pal the Cryptkeeper is getting a MAIM-over, kiddies! I hope they just take a little off the top! Hahahahaha!
[The Cryptkeeper narrowly avoids the falling blade of a guillotine]
TNT also announced a series called Time Of Death, which takes place in real time! Each episode will be one hour of a “long night of hell,” and the first season is inspired by ’80s slasher BOO-vies! In this season’s terror tale, a psycho killer returns to his Midwestern hometown to hack and slash his way through the county fair! Maybe he’ll stop for some ROTTEN candy and ride the SCARE-is wheel! Hahahahaha!
Third on TNT’s terrifying lineup is Creatures, inspired by the real-life tale of two Wisconsin girls who stabbed a classmate in the name of internet boogeyman Slenderman! (“Slender? I hardly BOO her!” Hahahahaha!) Creatures begins 15 years after two 12-year-old girls try to sacrifice a friend to a character they call “Mr. Gorgi.” It follows them as they are released from a mental insti-BOO-tion, only to fall under the spell of “Mr. Gorgi” once again! It’s like I always say: SLAY new friends, and BEAT the old! Hahahahaha!
TNT also says its night of horror TV has been pushed back to 2017, which is good, because your pal the Cryptkeeper is tired. What, you think these puns write themselves? In fact, I think I’ll check myself into a SLAY spa for some MESS and re-HACK-sation! See you next year, kiddies! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!