“Baby, it’s my business now.” That’s a quote from Tiffany Haddish’s ass-kicker in the Irish mob drama The Kitchen, but it might as well be the comedian, actress, and Emmy nominee’s all-purpose catchphrase at this point. On Wednesday’s Late Show, Haddish, as is her way, took over the joint, telling Colbert that, in The Kitchen, she, Elisabeth Moss, and Melissa McCarthy’s 1970s mob wives decide enough is enough, and just run New York organized crime themselves after their no-account husbands screw everything up. And, sure, our own Katie Rife wasn’t overly impressed with the Vertigo comics movie adaptation, but—no offense to Katie—that’s hardly going to slow down Haddish, who spent a typically delightful 11 minutes charming the pants off of Colbert and his audience, and trying out some John Mayer dating advice on her latest celebrity crush. (Who is not, it should be noted, John Mayer.)
Saying that infamous serial celebrity dater Mayer’s scheme of planting fake dating rumors on national TV has worked to draw real romantic attentions from the famous and beautiful, Haddish enlisted the eager Colbert in her plan to get close to a certain New York Yankees slugger. (Who, it should be noted, does have plenty of time on his hands, having spent much of this season on the IL.) Telling Colbert that she wants the 6'4", 250-pound Giancarlo Stanton to “burp her” like a baby, Haddish spent perhaps the most endearingly goofy minute on TV this year silently vamping to the camera/Stanton. “You’re gonna get a lot of phone calls,” assessed the clearly smitten Colbert.
Back to business, Haddish also regaled Colbert with an impression of her younger self as the most popular (with customers, anyway) customer service rep in the history of Alaska Airlines. Showing off the inimitable Haddish sparkle that won over disgruntled delayed flyers and baggage-losers alike, Haddish explained that she was just too damned good for those Alaska Airlines snobs, who kept writing her up for giving upbeat announcements that “incite(d) the boarding area.” (Heaven forbid people you’ve made wait for three hours finally board their plane with smiles on their faces.) Roleplaying her demoted status in the lost luggage department, Haddish had irate flyer Colbert helplessly in her palm within seconds, even though his imaginary bags were in imaginary Seattle. Noting that she got in trouble there, too, since formerly angry fliers kept popping back in just to say hi to their new favorite human being in the airport, Haddish showed how she—then a struggling standup—would use the opportunity to slip her new friends some comedy show tickets. Remember, baby, it’s Tiffany Haddish’s business now.