After earning three Oscar nominations, three Tony nods, four Emmys, and two Golden Globes, Laura Linney is finally ready to get serious about this acting business and join the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchise. The Hollywood Reporter says that Linney has joined the upcoming sequel about large, vaguely humanoid turtles who practice martial arts and joke about their boners, taking on a role that is as yet unspecified. However, we do know it is specifically written for an actor with the proven capability of getting paid, son. THR further notes that Linney, a new mom, is “becoming open to projects that are geared for younger audiences,” having recently learned that babies cost money to raise. You can’t feed a baby DVDs of Mystic River.
The report doesn’t even speculate on which role Linney might play in the film, which has already begun production in New York. But with Megan Fox already playing the Ninja Turtles’ intrepid sex doll April O’Neil, and fellow new addition Tyler Perry presumably waiting in the wings to play whatever other female characters might need Tyler Perrying, it seems like Linney’s part could be relatively minor. Though obviously, it’s important enough to require someone of Linney’s class and sophistication, who maybe also once fired lasers at gorillas.
Perhaps Linney is just there to work in an emcee capacity, similar to what she does for PBS’s Masterpiece Classic—warmly welcoming audiences to the sewers with her terse enunciation and strained grin, and letting them know that they are about to watch a quality production. “I’m Laura Linney. And this… is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,” she’ll say. “Sit up straight.”
Or, perhaps she’ll play some sort of mean government agent lady that the turtles have to ninja over with their boners. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter. Either way, Laura Linney gets a check.