Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Thomas Kinkade's new Christmas cottage is a California jail cell

Thomas Kinkade—self-proclaimed “Painter of Light” who, by his own estimation, renders larger, intangible senses of “morality” into bland pictures of cottages and Christ-like Pinocchios to complement your sleeper-sofa—has been sentenced to 10 days in jail for his recent DUI arrest. In addition to soaking up inspiration from the heavenly light as it plays through the prison bars, Kinkade will also have to submit to nine months of a DUI offender program and five years of probation, as well as pay a fine of $1,846—which is certainly a lot of pandering paintings of the forest, though still unlikely to make a dent in Kinkade’s ill-gotten empire of mediocrity. Anyone looking to submit Kinkade-style depictions of the artist in captivity, please send them our way and we’ll share them here. (Vulture has a pretty good one already.)

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