In case anyone doubts that we are living in seriously bizarre times, Marion "Suge" Knight, one of the most violent and feared figures in hip hop, has just filed a lawsuit against the decidedly non-violent, non-feared Kanye West for allowing a mysterious gunman to make it past security at Kanye's 2005 pre-MTV Video Music Awards party in Miami. Due to this unforgivable oversight, noted pacifist Knight was shot and lost a diamond stud earring worth 135,000 dollars. Knight was forced, yes forced to take a private jet back to California, apparently because there are no hospitals in the entire state of Florida. Don't you just hate it when you're forced to take a private jet somewhere when you'd really rather just be flying coach commercially?

According to a story on, "Knight is seeking damages from West which includes medical expenses from the shooting and mental anguish for "the loss of use and enjoyment of the earring." Knight, who incidentally declared bankruptcy a while back, must have enjoyed the holy living fuck out of that earring. Read more about the whole ridiculous fucking story here . Expect said lawsuit to be laughed out of court imminently, though we're all feeling your pain and weeping copious tears over your loss of enjoyment, Mr. Knight. In conclusion, please don't hunt us down and beat us up or dangle us over a balcony railing, Mr. Knight. We're on your side in this. We really are. In fact we're passing a collection plate around the office right now to raise money to replace your beloved earring.