In the 1980s, every successful action-oriented cartoon show needed a kick-ass intro with a few common elements: a catchy theme tune, a roll call of muscly heroes and misshapen villains, and a booming announcer explaining the series’ convoluted premise. It helped if the shows were produced by Filmation, but that was optional. YouTuber Jared Jeffries (not to be confused with the retired NBA player) has perfectly synthesized all of these elements into a video appropriately called “Best ’80s Cartoon Intro.” Here, Jeffries has taken clips from various cartoon series from the Reagan years, both famous (He-Man And The Masters Of The Universe, Challenge Of The GoBots, Thundercats) and perhaps less famous (BraveStarr, SilverHawks, Defenders Of The Earth) and stitched them together, Frankenstein-style, into the theme song for an awesome looking fictional show called Dash Swordslash And The Defenders Of Everything.

What is Dash Swordslash about? It’s complicated. Really, incredibly complicated. That’s why it takes over four minutes to explain the premise at the beginning of every episode. It starts out somewhat sensibly, with a “mighty warrior” defending his home world of Peacetopia with a weapon called a “MagiRod.” But then, the announcer mentions a “Castle Fuckjob” and says something about “the eight Star Stones.” So these Star Stones are the key to the show, right? That’s what people should be focusing on? Not exactly. There are also the “color crystals” to consider, as well as several other sets of heroes and villains, including “Ronald Badly And The Lords of Bullshit.” In the tradition of Too Many Cooks, the intro goes on and on, throwing more characters at the audience until it’s impossible to keep track of them. Ultimately, the show turns out to be a stealth marketing campaign for Scientology. Or maybe it’s about virginity. Or both. Or neither. One thing’s for sure: Dash Swordslash has a lot going on. Better watch every episode and buy the action figures, too, just to be on the safe side.

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[via Laughing Squid]