Photo: Justin Sullivan (Getty Images)

Lollapalooza, Glastonbury, Bonnaroo, Pitchfork, and Woodstock 50 can all get bent. The real can’t-miss summer event of 2019 is here, and it’s a live-action role-playing game for goats.

Set to take place on June 15th at a goat farm in Redding, Conneticut, GoatLARP is a one-day celebration of the animal kingdom’s original Greatest Of All Time that, as its website describes, is “about running mind-blowing live action experiences for goats.”

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Dismissing the idea that this event would consist of humans getting together on a farm to dress-up like goats and role-play chewing through aluminum cans and head-butting each other, GoatLARP explains that attendees are meant to “act as director and storyteller, transporting the goats to an unforgettable dream world of mystery and magic, etc etc.”

Guests are told to dress up “as any character you want” and then inhabit the mental space of, say, “an elf,” “Darth Vader,” or “mayor of space” who “has no knowledge of how you got to this mystical goat farm” but can only “sense that these goats are IMPORTANT.”

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“They need to be entertained,” the site clarifies. “You need to run a LARP for them.”

A selection of “Goat Activity Cards” will be provided, though attendees are encouraged to make up their own games. The cards offer guidelines for themed activities, like the classic summer pastime of cosplaying Lord Of The Rings on a farm, casting nearby goats as Frodo and Sauron, using “lawn posts to mark off an area representing Mount Doom,” and seeing if Goat-Frodo wanders over to “Mount Doom before Sauron touches him.”

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“As Goat Activites are completed, the Goat Happiness Meter will fill up,” says GoatLARP. “When it’s full, we’ll start a bonfire to celebrate GoatLARP’s success.”

The site lists right upfront that its most important rule is, in all caps, “BE NICE TO THE GOATS.” It also reminds interested LARPers that “the goats are friendly, but may not be cooperative.”

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“They may ignore us, or even try to kill us. We can’t predict how this is actually going to work,” it goes on. “Be prepared for the goats to take things ‘off the rails.’ They might also be completely uninterested in your LARP adventure. Who knows.”

Even if the goats don’t feel like playing along, the event will include a buffet and end with a sunset bonfire. Though the website doesn’t list this, the evening fire seems like a perfect opportunity to break out some guitars, invite a few goats to come on over, and host a lovely scream-along of some classic tunes to wrap things up.

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If you would, quite understandably, like to learn more, prance and leap your way over to the GoatLARP website.

Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com

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