As the Bible tells it, a mighty wind blew on the day of Pentecost, sweeping across the disciples and arming them with “tongues of fire” that speak not to people, but to God. A beautiful vision, yeah? So beautiful that one mustn’t blame Matthias for texting his group chat all about it. Wait, that’s not what happened, but something of that sort is going on in the below clip, in which the world’s most resigned preacher browses his phone while making the divine act of speaking in tongues sound like a soul in the throes of constipation.
Look, we get it. Faith is a marathon, not a race, and it’s nigh impossible across years to uphold the sanctity of that which you once found holy—one can only explain away unanswered prayers as “not in God’s plan” so many times, after all. But it’s hard not to watch this video and think of how much this country’s evangelical sect—a rotten corner of modern Christianity, by and large—gave up all semblance of authority and authenticity under Trump, bending the knee as the president’s comically effortless nods towards his Christian faith read as lazy enough as to be outright insulting.
The fact that some dude pops in to wipe the table as the preacher drones and loops as if the cord on his back is in need of a fresh yank is the cherry on top of this sad, accidental illustration of just how little these people are even trying anymore.
At least he’s not wearing $4,000 sneakers?