We recognize the risk of reporting on Charlie Sheen at such a relatively early hour, knowing full well that every minute of Sheen’s life now is like one of those “spinning newspaper” inserts from old movies. But already the stories are piling up, so here we go.
How much grist for the media mill does Sheen generate in an average day? So much that there is now a satellite radio station devoted exclusively to covering it. SiriusXM has announced that it has launched Tiger Blood Radio, a 24-hour limited-run channel that will exhaustively “examine the news, facts and media frenzy” from 6 a.m. ET on Saturday until 6 a.m. ET on Sunday, when it will then go off the air and leave you with only every TV, print, and online news outlet to fill the void. Considering Sheen has spent the last couple of weeks calling into seemingly every radio station in the country, it’s probably a given he won’t be able to resist the temptation to make a guest appearance.
Speaking of which, this morning Sheen phoned up Philadelphia’s The Chio And Shila Show (see?) for another signature Sheen poetry slam—Sheen made a grand entrance with, “My super powers are blowing it up completely,” and later added that his “Goddesses” boil his “tiger blood like a microwave on meth”—but also had a couple of new things to add, like the fact that he believes Two And A Half Men is actually close to returning to television. Saying “it feels like all parties” are working toward an agreement that would have the show back on the air, Sheen avowed, “Absolutely the gig's coming back, I have absolute faith in that”—although he added that he believes there will be “a few adjustments.” Naturally, no one else from the show or network has commented yet. Sheen also potentially made a new enemy when his phone connection went sour, remarking, “I think I just figured out what AT&T stands for: Always Terrible Talk. Yeah, lawsuits a' coming.” So, maybe don’t expect to see Charlie Sheen doing any endorsements for AT&T.
Not that Sheen needs any more endorsement deals, considering he’s just signed up with celebrity tweet company Ad.ly, who predicts that Sheen will soon make more money for tweeting about random products than even its current highest-paid client Kim Kardashian. (And as Sheen told TMZ yesterday, that was his goal all along.) As the company’s CEO said, “He had the No. 1-rated show for seven years. You’d expect brands would be lining up to be involved with him in social media,” which we’re assuming he said only after drawing a giant cocked eyebrow on his forehead with a Magic Marker, and then finished up by going, “Ehhhh? Ehhhhhhhhh?” while exaggeratedly jabbing his elbow into an imaginary ribcage.
In the meantime, Sheen’s Twitter feed is still devoted almost exclusively to endorsing Charlie Sheen, in particular forthcoming Sheenania products like his long-promised tell-all, which he has now preemptively christened Apocalypse Me. The title, of course, hearkens back to the radio appearance that launched this whole mess, when Sheen told Alex Jones that he was essentially Col. Kurtz in Apocalypse Now, which we guess means his dad is coming to kill him with a machete while some villagers symbolically slaughter a water buffalo. Sheen says his inspiration was “delivered thru vast and extensive Lunar channels,” and that it translated as “Warlock Latin for WINNING.” Easily offended Latino warlocks are pissed.
Unfortunately, Sheen’s insistence on publicly revealing nearly every iota of personal information via every available outlet has also occasionally backfired, as when yesterday’s tweet that he’d reached an agreement with ex-wife Brooke Mueller to get his kids back—followed by Sheen’s talking about it on that Philadelphia radio station we mentioned—reportedly caused Mueller to declare that the deal was off. According to TMZ’s sources, the first term in the agreement was that Sheen not discuss it with the media (and presumably Twitter), and now it seems likely that Sheen will still have to go to court. It may not be his only legal hassle: TMZ also reports that Sheen’s other ex-wife, Denise Richards, wasn’t totally thrilled that Sheen threatened to shave all her hair off, and despite Sheen’s recent claims in his 20/20 interview that Richards is being “Top Gun rock star awesome” about his situation, she apparently has said she is “disgusted” with him. The report says things got even worse yesterday when Sheen asked her to bring their kids over for a Dateline shoot (so, you have that to look forward to) and she refused, causing him to go “ballistic” and threaten to take her to court in a custody battle.
Some of Sheen's legal drama will soon play out in a somewhat unlikely place, as Paris Hilton announced on today’s The Ellen DeGeneres Show that her upcoming Oxygen reality show, The World According To Paris, would see the Sheen-Mueller custody battle “featured prominently.” Hilton lived next door to the couple while she was filming the series, and promises that “the truth behind the former couple's marital problems and the status of their current relationship will be revealed” on her show. How sad do you think Paris Hilton is that she has to yield a big chunk of her reality show to Charlie Sheen? Once upon a time it was her every move everyone was slavering over, and now she’s just the porthole to a neighboring storm. She's probably pretty sad.
The Sheen saga will also be addressed in a slightly more predictable arena, as professional celebrity vulture Dr. Drew has picked up the carrion scent and announced his own Charlie Sheen special for VH1 titled, Charlie Sheen: Winning… Or Losing It? Dr. Drew has bravely announced that he plans to examine Sheen’s behavior and offer counseling to Sheen whether he shows up or not, but that Sheen has an open invitation to come and listen as Dr. Drew offers his opinion on “what could be wrong with him.” Considering Sheen has previously dismissed medical professionals as “Dr. Loser” and “Dr. Clownshoes,” we suspect Dr. Drew will be making a lot of concerned faces at an empty chair when the special airs on March 7.
On the lighter side, Spike TV is preparing its own televised Sheen tell-all: Titled Charlie Sheen’s Winningest Moments, the half-hour animated special—from NMA, the Taiwanese company behind the Internet’s finest CGI recreations of celebrity misbehavior—debuts on March 9, and will chronicle “the most outlandish moments in modern Sheen history” with the help of cartoon hosts “The Goddesses.” It will reportedly feature now-classic Sheen scenes such as the time Sheen lost his watch and trashed the Plaza Hotel, and that other night when he hoovered a briefcase of cocaine, plus more fanciful flights such as one where “Sheen rents a mansion and fills it with porn stars who live as one big happy family,” and another one of “Sheen doing the drug ‘Charlie Sheen.’” Here’s a sample clip.
And finally, speaking of doing the drug Charlie Sheen, TMZ caught up with Snoop Dogg last night—because, where he has he been in all this?—and he offered $200 to anyone who could help him “buy some Charlie Sheen.” So, give it approximately 48 hours and that shit’s gonna hit the streets. Meanwhile, thanks to People, you can get a legal Sheen high with the newly created cocktail TY-ger Blood, made with TY KU sake, or go to South Beach’s Red The Steakhouse and order from the “Charlie Sheen collection” of cocktails, like the Two And A Half Sheets To The Wind Martini or a Tigers' Blood Mojito. Tonight we’ll be having an Old Fashioned, Like The Days Before Our Job Consisted Of Crafting Epic Charlie Sheen Posts.