Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

This capitalist hell toilet doesn't actually exist yet, but only our tireless vigilance will keep it that way

Photo: Jan Hakan Dahlstrom (Getty Images)

Yesterday, disturbing rumors began spreading across social media regarding some new kind of bastardized commode of pain. Rudimentary sketches of the beast showed a work-office restroom toilet angled at a 13-degree downward slope, designed to gradually increase one’s discomfort levels, thus ensuring no one wastes too much of that precious, precious productivity time. It looks...about as insane and degrading as it sounds.

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Nevermind our jobs have apparently become so unbearable that sitting in a cubicle containing our own and others’ excrement is often preferable to dealing with actual work responsibilities and bosses—the dystopia-toilet is almost too on the nose when it comes to exemplifying all that is wrong and sadistic about our antiquated American work-suffering ethos. Many of us, literally too old for this shit, were not amused by the prospect of tearing an ACL while simply trying to scroll through Instagram by ourselves for, like, five goddamn minutes.

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Thankfully, our dread and fear may be unfounded—the thigh-straining Hell Toilet does not exist...yet. What’s more, good men and women are already marshaling a Resistance Force to fight this menace should we ever suddenly encounter one of this Jigsaw-esque torture puzzles at our places of work.

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But just because this nightmare isn’t yet a reality doesn’t mean we are safe. No, readers...we believe that only the internet’s tireless, watchful mockery can protect the future of our children’s asses, and the asses of our children’s children. For now, however, our keisters and dignity remain relatively intact, but let this Hell Toilet premonition be a warning to us all...

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Those who do not learn the lessons of shitstory are bound to re-pee it.

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About the author

Andrew Paul

Andrew Paul's work is recently featured by Rolling Stone, GQ, The Forward, and The Believer, as well as McSweeney's Internet Tendency and TNY's Daily Shouts.