Snakes, as is well documented on this website, are horrifying creatures. As important as they are to their ecosystems and as much as we try to remember that they’re not to blame for being so creepy, it’s difficult not to be terrified of them when they, say, drop out of ceilings to wrestle on the floors of homes, swim up toilet pipes to bite unsuspecting peoples’ buttholes, or chase iguanas across beaches in biting, writhing droves.
It gives us no pleasure, then, to report that the snakes are back at it again, this time sending waves of awe-inspired nausea through the world by having beach towels removed from their giant snakey guts.
As Mashable writes, the above video shows “an 18-year-old jungle carpet python” named Monty being treated by Sydney’s Small Animal Special Hospital after her owner “suspected she had eaten [an] entire towel.” To remove the object, as you can see, the vets look around with an endoscope then pull out a length of compressed towel that seems to go on forever, extending on and on and on in a process that we imagine approximates what children’s magic shows look like in the deepest circles of hell.
One set of hands massages Monty’s snake belly (difficult to distinguish from a snake chest or snake ass) while another holds her noggin and mouth in place, and a final pair begin pulling a damp tube of fabric out. Everyone cheers when it’s over. This is understandable because not only have they completed an important medical procedure, but they no longer have to, y’know, continue removing towels wet with gut juice from the fanged maw of a big carnivorous reptile.
The Mashable story lets us know that Monty is on the mend and “is back to eating as per normal,” which, despite being good news generally, also forces us to picture the python continuing to chill in someone’s home, flicking her tongue over helpless mice just before the kill.
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