Waiting for the new Frank Ocean album has become an exercise in existential bewilderment. Is it really coming? It was. Then it didn’t show. Will there ever be a real release date? Will it be today? Tomorrow? Does Boys Don’t Cry even exist? Is it destined to be on our list of most anticipated pop culture every year for the rest of eternity? Hello? Paging Samuel Beckett? In any case, don’t trust a damn word that comes out of Ocean’s mouth about the matter. Don’t trust anyone at all. Just accept that we won’t know when Boys Don’t Cry will drop until it has already dropped.
In any case, there’s a new app that will be all over that shit in case you can’t be. The internet can quickly become a firestorm of false rumors and sus “facts,” but (650)82OCEAN simply searches Spotify, iTunes, and Twitter for all Ocean-related news, and once it detects that the album has gone live, it will alert subscribers via text or email with a link to purchase. It’s like Karen Smith’s boobs, which can detect if it is already raining: The app can’t detect when the album is coming, but it’ll know once it’s here. Oh god, we already foresee a future in which the app’s algorithm fails and mistakenly announces that the album has gone live when it hasn’t. Created by engineering student Shahzeb Khan, the app is free but suggests a $2 donation. Don’t let us down, Khan. We can’t trust Ocean anymore, so you’re our only hope for the truth.