Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

These human-face dog muzzles will probably be the last thing you see before you die

Screenshot: Amazon

Today in nightmare fuel: the “AXAYINC Dog Masks, Pet Entertainment Spoofs, Super Cute Masks Designed for Pets to Prevent Bites and Eat Unclean Food.”

As the name very clearly implies, these masks, available on Amazon, serve as a fun way to keep your dog from biting things and eating food that is not clean (?) while also making your dog look like a serial killer. Or, conversely, you could wear the mask and do some murdering of your own. Look at these fucking things.

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Fuck.
Screenshot: Amazon
C’mon.
Screenshot: Amazon
Goddamnit.
Screenshot: Amazon

How the mask works is simple: Somewhere far across the pacific, the masks are sealed in plastic, packed into cardboard boxes, and shipped to a seaport where they are loaded into large cargo containers, which are in turn loaded onto a massive container ship. Through the miracle of modern fossil fuels, that boat, big as a skyscraper, surges across the ocean and into an American harbor. From there it’s just a matter of unloading those containers from the ship, loading them onto trucks, and driving those trucks to an Amazon warehouse. Finally, someone in that warehouse grabs your order, packages it into a different cardboard box, loads it onto a different truck that drives to your general area, where it is loaded onto a smaller truck or, these days, maybe just some dude’s car, and it is driven to your house or apartment and thrown over a fence.

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Voila! Your dog’s face now looks like a fucked-up person.

Now, as some commenters have noted on Amazon, it sure seems like these masks wouldn’t actually stop your dog from biting anyone, nor does it seem like your dog would be able to breathe while wearing it. This is not a problem. As the product description helpfully explains, there is a breathing hole, so, like, don’t even worry about that. As for the whole “stop your dog from biting” thing, perhaps you weren’t paying attention to the part where this is clearly a “Pet Entertainment Spoof” and, as such, Dumb Starbucks parody law applies.

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Finally, you might be concerned that this thing is going to 100% reek of latex. Again, no, because per the product description, “latex mask material, latex smell, you can clean it after receiving the goods, ventilated place, the smell will disappear.” Cool, got it.

[via BoredPanda]

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About the author

Gabe Worgaftik

Contributor, The A.V. Club.