There are many, many animals on the internet each week, but you are busy and can only click on so much. And yet it’s hard to go into the weekend thinking: Could I have done better? Were there animals that deserved my internet traffic that did not receive it? In this important recurring feature, we recap some of the most important animals from the internet that you may have missed.
Another week, another neck-deep swim through the horror show of daily life online. And things got really, traumatically gross this week. (Don’t click this link if you want to avoid a deeply unsettling concept—though at least there are no accompanying images, thank god.) Luckily, animals were once more here to help.
Let’s start things off with the storied journey of Pepper, a cat who managed to get loose at JFK Airport in New York and lead authorities on a merry chase.
Hooray for happy conclusions to escaped-cat adventures!
Conversely, we have the tale of a paddle boarder and his not-so-happy encounter with a dolphin. Watch the way this aquatic douchebag leaps into the air to take out some poor gentlemen just minding his own business. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Dolphins are the jock assholes of the ocean.
Screw you, dolphins. And they’re not the only ones: Vice reports kangaroos in Australia are starting to absolutely go HAM on people trying to take selfies with them. Let that be a lesson to all who would mistake them for peaceful denizens of the Outback.
Let’s get back to the good animals. Laughing Squid posted a story entitled, “48 Baby Goats Adorably Bounce Back and Forth Across a Barn While Wearing Colorful Pajamas,” which is just as delightful as it sounds. You know how baby goats just bounce around and have the best dang old time no matter the situation? That’s why they’re my favorite of this week’s animals.
As long as we’re on the subject of animals in clothes, why not enjoy this raccoon who fucking loves grapes? There’s several different videos of him partaking, but our favorite finds the chubby little fella dressed as Santa, again demonstrating the scientific theorum: cute animals + clothes = 8 percent cuter.
But enough with the purely adorable stuff. Perhaps you’re looking for some practical advice to go along with your cute little creatures? If so, Reddit had you covered this week, as a video of a Vancouver veterinarian demonstrating a sensible way to pick up a cat went viral. We wrote it up yesterday, but if you missed it, it’s worth checking out. As the comments demonstrate, despite literally every cat lover in the planet feeling like they have a pretty good handle on picking up a cat, the video compels you to watch to the end—especially thanks to the vet’s repeated advice to, “Squish that cat!” Also, a new cat, Mr. Pirate, makes an appearance roughly two-thirds of the way through, in order to demonstrate the proper handling of a “shoulder cat.” Mr. Pirate is an excellent name for a cat. Also, he’s a total Round Boy.
How many times have you finished watering your plants and gotten ready to head in to work, only to drive halfway to your office before realizing, “Oh no, I forgot to water the dog!” Probably zero times, because that is an insane thought. But here’s footage of a dog getting his water via spray bottle, and just being such a good boy about it.
Reddit also delivered unto us another very good dog, a little wiener of a guy, who seems to have bonded with a lion. The licking goes both ways, but the dachshund is for sure in charge of this scenario, which is awfully kind of the lion.
Some of the animals preventing the internet from collapsing into a singularity of awfulness weren’t even doing anything particularly cute, so much as really, really cool. Did you know jellyfish had mouths? I didn’t, and yet here we are, watching what Nat Geo has termed a “jellyfish explosion,” where thousands of them team up to eat salmon eggs, and it looks fresh as hell.
If you’re Queen Latifah in The Abyss, you may feel differently about the above clip.
Some people got their animal relief in real life. A graduation ceremony at Pepperdine University was dive-bombed by a couple pelicans, and these birds do not give a fuck. My favorite part of the video is the three guys who decide to appoint themselves as pelican security detail, and keep standing over the annoyed bird like they’re going to bounce it from the club. Relax, pelican security detail, we’re all having fun here.
More like summa cum loudly, am I right. Ugh, sorry for that joke. It’s been a long week, and I only get to enjoy these animals in between sentences.
Dogs! Dogs are just far better creatures than we deserve. For example, take the Twitter moments story of a pooch named Bear, who waits outside the train station in China 12 hours every day for his owner to return. He lets people pet him the entire time, because Bear is an absolute doll.
You’re my boy, Bear. If you prefer dogs who have jobs of their own to attend, perhaps this compilation of animals with business ID badges is more your style.
Hey, it’s almost happy hour! Let’s end on the most uplifting tale of the week: Animals shelters teaching cats how to high five to make them more adoptable. Conan did a whole segment on it, and the results are deeply gratifying, mixed with a little bit of sadness in the knowledge that my own cat, Roxy, is more than 20 years old and will never, ever high five me for as long as she lives. It’s a fair trade, though, because she sleeps with her paws pressed against my shoulder every night. Maybe I should re-watch Mr. Pirate and get some pointers.
Enjoy the weekend, everyone.