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There was a flaming semen explosion at the bull fuck factory today

Photo: codyphotography (Getty Images)

We tried to think of another way to phrase it. We stared at the computer screen for a good and long while, hoping to think up a properly tactful, objective, mature way to cover this morning’s headline. But this is the best we could do, because apparently God really has abandoned His creations.

The story comes (goddamnit...just...goddamnit) from Newsweek earlier this morning, and describes a fiery blaze at an Australian cattle breeding facility causing “thousands of dollars in damage after at least 100 cylinders containing bull semen were destroyed.” The blaze lasted over two hours, and required ten full fire teams working together to finally extinguish the flames. A County Fire Authority spokesman told Daily Mail Australia that the building in question was “completely shredded” from the flaming semen explosion. Their words, not ours.

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Apparently, part of the reason it took so long to put out the fire was because the firefighters at the scene had to dodge what they — again, not us — described as “projectiles” which formed because the “liquid inside the cylinders was rapidly expanding and essentially the lids of the cryogenic cylinders were just popping off the top.”

Aaron Thomas, Yarram Herd Services Committee vice chairman, apparently said the loss of 100 containers of cattle semen will deal local farmers a “huge blow,” since each cryogenic cylinder filled to the brim with bull semen is worth nearly $350 a piece. The news story did not indicate if he was able to say this with a straight face, or if he giggled until his laughter devolved into abject weeping. There are no reports of injuries, but we suspect that’s only because one cannot really quantify damage to a person’s soul, to their very essence. Because, as we have said, there was a flaming semen explosion at the bull fuck factory today.

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Andrew Paul

Andrew Paul's work is recently featured by Rolling Stone, GQ, The Forward, and The Believer, as well as McSweeney's Internet Tendency and TNY's Daily Shouts.