We’ve barely absorbed the maxims and morals of the most recent chapter of the Jersey Shore saga, but as you will learn from this trailer, January 6 sees the debut of an all-new epic verse, heralded by the clarion call of the cast’s newly acquired “Grenade Whistle” (which is not, in fact, a whistle). Outside of these estimable leaps forward in communication skills, however, the evolution of the Jersey Shore species remains comfortably plateaued; they even swim back upstream to the Seaside Heights beach where they were born in order to spawn. That should be a lot easier this time around, as Vinny points out that, unlike the chaste and blushing maidens of Miami, the girls in Jersey are just “easier,” given that their natural instinct is to flock toward boom microphones and then hump whatever’s underneath them.
As such, Vinny promises “there will be more hookups,” much like there will be many more scenes of Snooki, intoxicated with pheromones and cheap vodka, probably, beaching herself in order to lay her eggs. And as with any tribe, the introduction of a new member—in this case the perpetually leopard-skinned Deena Cortese (possibly Dan Cortese in drag, attempting to worm his way back onto MTV)—can incite violent territorial rivalries, particularly if said territory includes Sammi, the worst person on earth. Prepare to marvel at nature’s wonders all over again.